Thursday, March 27, 2008

Nothing yet - grief continued.

After trying to call Niblet's family at the phone number they said they were keeping when they moved, and getting no answer or answering machine, we decided to write them. We sent them a simple Easter card and said we hoped they were settled in at their new place and that we'd love to see Niblet soon, so please call us. We put my cell number, as our home voicemail sometimes craps out. (VoIP is cheap, and that's it's only redeeming factor.)

Even though they moved, it was within the same zip code, so even though we don't have their new address, it should get to them with very little delay. So they should have received the card by now and we haven't heard from them. Granted, it's only been a few days and they have 3 kids keeping them busy.

However, we're bracing ourselves for the possibility that they're not going to call. The real fear is that someone, the county caseworker, one of the other social workers on the case, etc., has told them not to allow us to have contact with Niblet. Or that it would be a good idea to not allow contact. If that's the case, then we have very little chance of ever seeing Niblet again. Because, really, of course they would do it. They don't know us from a hole in the wall, and they want to adopt Niblet, so of course they would do whatever the People In Charge say to do. I'd do it, too.

My next plan is to call the county case worker (the same Evil One who was Niblet's worker when we had her) and cheerfully say that we've lost touch with Niblet since they moved and would she please pass our phone number on to them. It would give her a chance to hem and haw and say whether she thinks that's a good idea - at which point I'd probably argue with her, because what do I have to lose?

Fostermama's on the fence. She's not sure she wants to pursue it. And I see her point. Niblet is in a safe family now. She doesn't need us. She would, I assume, be happy to see us, but really it's all about our need to see her.

I feel selfish, but, really, it's such a weird situation. We basically had our child taken away from us. Sure, we knew it was happening, we knew she was going back to her father, but by that point she was already ours. And we were hers. The county fucked up. They never should have returned her to her bioparents. They never should have returned her and NOT CHECKED UP ON HER. They should have left well enough alone.

And then I would have my baby girl. She would be here right now, playing in the living room, or eating dinner. I would be with her, because I wouldn't be here blogging about losing her. She is almost 3 years old and we would be working on her application to the Montessori preschool nearby. She would be adopted and we would have changed her name to the one we chose for her, the one we called her by for most of the time she was with us. We might even be thinking about getting ready to adopt a sibling for her.

Instead, she's out there somewhere living her life without me. Yes, we have Squeak. And I don't, for one second, wish I didn't have him. I love him with all my heart. However, I do wish I had her. If everything had worked out as it should have, we would have her and not him. And that would be okay. Because I wouldn't know what I was missing. This way, we do have Squeak and all the goodness that he is, but we also know what we've lost.

Sometimes, it's really the worst pain I can imagine. I can't sugarcoat it. I feel horrible crying for the baby I lost when I have my wonderful son sitting right there, being his wonderful little self, everything I ever wanted. I feel horrible thinking about a world where I didn't have him, and wishing for it. It makes me wish I'd never heard of adopting through fostercare.


KittyBean said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time (2 years?) and I can totally relate to your pain. It is hard, as I hold my 13 month old private adoption baby, and think about the sibling pair we should have had. --Sweet Pea was 13 months old when we got her and the firstmom was in prison for child abuse and 7 months pregnant. We promised to take both girls even though it was going to be a huge strain on us. We thought adopting through foster care was so noble, and we were under the impression that there was basically zero chance these kids would be returned. Within a few months Sweet Pea was with her parents (after mom's release). Later both girls were taken again by CPS and finally freed for adoption. I only found out because I saw a legal notice in the paper. Sweet Pea would be in first grade this year. It took us 2 years to heal and go to private adoption, you made the leap right away. Take your time, you'll get there.

qUeEn oF tHe cAstLe said...

I hope Niblet's family has just been busy with 'life' and will get back to you soon. I ALSO feel horrible when I wish that Felix was staying even though I DO already have 4 bio children. I know that it seems that I'm selfish when some people don't have the blessing of 1 child. I am praying that Niblet feels the comfort of God's arms wrapped around her and she always remembers the love she felt in your home. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control and that HE puts the kids here that HE wants. I love this baby to pieces and would LOVE to see him stay but I would NEVER want another life without my 4 girls!. I hope you find comfort in knowing that Niblet is loved and I pray the desires of your heart are fulfilled in Squeak and whoever else is placed in your 'forever family'.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks reading your post. It just sounds so painful. I suppose that thinking about the big picture is the best way to find some sort of emotional resolution - Niblet is with a family that loves her, and who knows, maybe God is behind that. But I can hear that there will always be a Niblet-sized hole in your heart. How could there not be?

You all are incredible moms, and Squeak is growing into the most beautiful, gentle soul. I love his smile. It is always wonderful to spend time with you.


Sambar22 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

oops - sorry about deleting the comment - technical problems with Blogger (i.e. not knowing what I'm doing). It was the same as the one above! - anonymously Pili

Amanda said...

I can imagine what you're going through, though I'm not in that precise situation. This is such a tough journey. Be kind to yourself and I really hope that you regain contact with Niblet.

All that said, I'm glad you have Squeak, even if in the best of all possible worlds that opportunity wouldn't have presented itself.

Gawdess said...

crying for the one you have lost has nothing to do with celebrating the one you have.

Honest and for true.

Thinking of you and yours.
Sending the best thoughts out for Niblet.

Julie said...

I am very sad for you- I hope you hear something- I would call the case worker if it were me- I just hate that you have lost touch- I worry about Niblet. :(

art-sweet said...

I hope that Niblet can feel the warmth of your love wherever she is. I wish she and Squeak were growing up as siblings.

Weeping with you.

Tricia said...

I wish we had the power to change the system.

Overwhelmed! said...

Your words of pain strike a cord with me. Our first placement, a baby girl we call "Baby Bug" is still with us. Several times we've been lead to believe she'll be transferred to a relative home or moved back to her parents but it hasn't happened yet. I think she will go back to her parents, it's just a matter of when. I'm dreading that day and I worry that she'll go back, they'll relapse, and she'll go back into the system and be adopted by another family because we won't get the call. This fostering is not an easy journey!

I hope you connect with Niblet's family in the very near future.

Kellie said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to take even a small part of your pain away. I am so hopeful that I'll check your blog one day soon and hear the good news that you've been in touch with Niblet's family and that all is well. Until then, I wish you as much peace as is possible in this situation.

Thanks as always for your honesty. As someone who is just entering the world of foster/adotpion, you have no idea how invaluable your experiences and insights are to me.

bmomtami910 said...

I am so glad I stumbled upon you! We are also a momma and mom doing foster care and adopting from foster care. We have so much in common. We have our state visit today to get our baby back from a bogus hotline call, but I will be back later to read and note.
*high five* Nice to meet you.


Christina said...

I am currently fostering a baby boy who I love with my whole soul. PR are supposed to be termed, but there is never a gauruntee. I will be heartbroken if he leaves.

Mama Bess said...

Your honesty is sooo refreshing. And OH, I hope you hear something from Niblet's family SOON! Three days can feel like an eternity when you are waiting like that.

I don't think it is selfish for you to want to remain in touch. JMHO. Gawd, that is all I feel like I can hope for with the hot pickle we're in. Don't take that one cold comfort away from me, LOL!!

Thank you so much-- sincerely, from the top of my overflowing heart-- for your authenticity. I HATE sugar coating-- and anyway, all that food coloring can't be good for us!

A.C. said...

We're just beginning the process to Foster Parent. A little worried about things like this, but in the end we hope to adopt as many as our home will allow... which will be two or three.


Anonymous said...

I was in foster care for 8 years and aged out at 18yrs. Then I lived out of my car and a few friends houses while I tried to finish high school, keep my job, and just stay alive until I went to college. BTW I had no close friends until I was 18 because I was isolated in foster care. I wasn't allowed to have friends...I didn't even understand sarcasm when I went to college. I was abused in every way possible, neglected and rejected by anyone and everyone I ever got close to. I graduated from a small liberal arts college (that costs 50 grand a yr to attend)this past December 2009. No one helped me ever. Not once did someone give me money I didn't work for or hold my hand thru the hardest times of my life. One time I starved and lost 12 lbs to buy my books for the next semester. I finally accomplished my goal of being in that 2% of foster children who get a degree, but now I have a better goal...death. Why? bc up until Jan of this year I had a bf for 2 years who brought me into his home where he and his family taught me what it's like to have a family. I cried the first time I realized what I had missed my whole life. Well, now that I know what it's like to have a family, and I don't have one...I'm numb. All that fight I had in me to live has vanished. I have a 152 IQ, supposedly I'm a 9 on a 1-10 scale in appearance. These are things that everyone wants right? Well, I feel like I have nothing. Unless I can somehow trade my looks and my brains for a family and friends who accept me for who I am and love me...I am a nothing, a nobody who is poison to everything she touches. I have guys chasing after me constantly, but I know they would never accept me for who I really am. I'm not normal and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm still very behind socially and struggle to appear normal and fit in, but keep my distance so that I don't scare anyone away. There are 6 billion people on this planet and I'm not all that important to any one of them. Girls my age tend to hate me bc I'm pretty and men only want arm candy. I'm a worthless human being, unworthy of love. Lately I've been having a great time with this game I call "how much can my body take". I basically have a unisom and alcohol party hosted in the stomach of yours truly. Every time I've played this game, I've been the loser, waking up to unfortunately see the light of another day. The irony in this is that I have always tried to make other people feel welcomed and important...bc I have ALWAYS known what it's like to feel the opposite. Anyone u ask about me would say I'm very thoughtful considerate, and caring. You ppl cant even call me selfish bc there is no one that will miss me for more than a day. No one even knows me. People only know what I let them see...happy go lucky, cheerful me. I was always told to hide that I was a foster child. Sometimes people will make a comment about how I was probably homecoming queen in high school...I laugh to myself and wonder what they would say if I told the truth. I'm actually really messed up...serious abandonment and attachment issues. I've built a protective barrier inside me that puts the Great Wall of China to shame. I'm pretty sure all of my ex boyfriends think I'm crazy. One of my guy friends was telling me what he's looking for in a girl. He said blah blah and then added "and she cant be from a messed up family or an orphan" to which I replied "please elaborate" as I cried inside. The college I graduated from is composed mostly of kids from seemingly perfect families. No one knows my truth bc I refuse share this and deal with the consequences. I spend every holiday by myself. I blow off questions about my family, or I lie. The only person that knew was my ex of 2 years, his mom, and his sister. The only things I ever feel are hurt and indifference for the past 3 months. Please God let me win my game tonight.

Anonymous said...

This is what can happen to children who are never saved...she won her game last Thursday.