Monday, December 04, 2006

How it's going at Chez Fostermoms

Today, not so well.
This weekend was supposed to be our regular, weekly visit with Niblet. We showed up at the set time and her father seemed surprised to see us and said that Niblet has a bad cold and couldn't visit with us. He did say that next week is fine.

It was very disappointing. I wish he'd called. I wish we'd thought to call. I think I'm scared to call ahead of time because I feel like it gives him an out. Like we would call and say "just confirming for tomorrow" and he could say "oh, actually, don't come."

It's silly, in some regard, because although he does seem to not be clear on the "every week" thing, he's never been evasive or seemed like he wanted to call it off. And if he did, he could call it off whether or not we called him first.
Since Niblet's mom is back in the picture, we're also afraid that she'll decide that Niblet shouldn't see us anymore, or as often, and that will change things.

Really, of course it's fine that Niblet's sick and of course she should stay home and feel better. It's just that it brings up everything all over again.
She's not our baby. We don't get to wipe her nose and help her get better. We have to wait for her parents to let us visit with her.

And it just sucks.
So fostermama and I fell into the hole. The hole filled with grief and depression. The hole filled with "it's not fair!" The hole that hides the alternate world where we adopted Niblet and raised her ourselves. The hole where we hide all these feelings and wait for them to disintegrate, slowly.

On the bright side, we're now on the list with our adoption agency. We're ready to be presented to prospective birth mothers. And, probably next week, we're going to get on the foster care list. One way or another, we need another baby to love up 24/7. And soon. We've enjoyed our time off, but now it's become more often painful instead of relaxing, so that means it's time for a baby.

Another ride on the roller coaster, I guess.


Amanda said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get to see her. I really hope it really was just that she's sick (well, not like being sick is nothing, you know what i mean). I am keeping my fingers crossed that you can maintain some kind of relationship with her.

Good luck with both adoption and foster care.

Yankee, Transferred said...

aw, sorry. Rooting for you.

Julie said...

I am sorry that you didn't get your visit with niblet- i am afraid of that happening- I am very excited that ya'll are moving forward with adoption and getting back on the foster list!!! that will help a TON!! I promise!!! prayer and hugs to you both!