Friday, June 16, 2006

I'm such a liar.

Did I really say "it will be okay" if she leaves?
No. It will not be okay. It will be horrible and worse than I can even imagine. And the only way we will get through it is with a good therapist, our friends and family, and each other. We *have to* get through it, or else it will ruin our lives and our future family.

I spoke with our social worker a few days ago about all the communication problems we're having with Niblet's caseworker, and she asked about how the case was progressing. When I told her that the dad has 2 visits a week and just has to find an apartment and continue his counseling and that I'm pretty sure he has nothing legal against him (and they have no legal reason to drug test him, so they just assume he's clean)...she said "I don't like the way that's all sounding." Meaning that she knows that that means he's going to get the baby back. Unless he messes up royally.

And I recently attended our foster parent support group and heard stories of other FPs and how their foster kids went back to really horrible situations, with parents who said to anyone who would listen that they didn't actually love or want their kid, but case workers poo-poo these things and just hand them back the kids anyway. If these people got their kids back, then there's no way that Niblet's dad isn't getting her back.

Our only hope is for him to mess up or for the judge to rule in our favor for whatever reason.

I still think that she'll be safe with him, which is more than other foster parents can say when their kids go home, but of course I want to keep her.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. What I want is my forever family. I do love fostering, and we'll most likely continue doing it, but now I'm antsy for a baby who will definitely stay.
And now we have to wait until her next court date (most likely) to be able to move on with our plans. That's not for another 5 months or so.

The plan now is to forget about trying to adopt through foster care. In this county, at this time, hoping for such a thing is a joke. Kids are going home and that's that. I'm not spending another year of my life babysitting a child who I will love like my own only to have her be ripped from me and handed back to the parent(s) who abused her in the first place - especially since the county has very little ability to make sure these babies are safe after they're returned.

Unlike most couples, fostercare was our first choice, so our "plan b" is to try to conceive. Plan C is private domestic adoption through this non-profit in the midwest that only does AA and biracial infant adoptions. Of course, we keep going back and forth about whether we want to try adoption first or conception first. We keep coming back to conceiving, so that's probably where we'll go.

The plan is that I'd try first. Fostermama has never really felt like being pregnant, and I kinda do, so there we go. It just makes me feel weird and sad to think that, a year from now, I could be pregnant and not have Niblet at home with me.
And now I'm back where I started. It's very important that we properly grieve and workthrough everything after the baby leaves us, or else we won't be able to properly celebrate whatever comes our way next. The fact that we know this is heartening, but, from this distance, it's so hard to believe we will ever get through it.


Tamara said...

Oh no. We do not know how we would survive either. We are already in marriage counseling just to get through the stuff we all already have to deal with. I wish she would stay with you. Oh how I wish these kids never had to return to families of neglect, and abuse. I will keep praying.

Beth said...

I understand...I really, really do.


Julie said...

Hang in there Fostermommy- I totally understand- as per my blog- but don't give up- there are children out there who will need a forever home. Poor Niblet- Just love her as much as you can- it all hasn't gone through yet!! Dad hasn't got her in his home yet!!

sammy_bunny said...

I'm also looking at adoption through the foster care system as a first choice for making a family. Around here if you are going into it with a goal of adoption they will only place children with you who have had parental rights terminated. Is that an option where you are?

I really respect people who can do foster care. I don't know that I would be able to handle the uncertainty. Hang in there!

Michelle said...

The whole system is filled with stomach wrenching ups and downs. It is very hard loving a child completely not knowing if she will be taken from you...I have been in your shoes..Our case thankfully led to adoption after both bioparents signed surrenders--but that still didn't stop our fear we would lose our daughter until the final adoption order was signed...It is definately a rollercoaster--worth the ride when it is all said and done..God Bless

My CHosen Child

A tired Foster Mom in PA said...

I am so glad I stumbled on this page...I thought I was alone. Hold on it's a bumby road but it will smooth out. After 1.5 year we are ending our foster adopt journey the adoption of our little girl is almost final. We are however still on a bumpy road with "OUR" little boy who just turned one. We brought him home from the nicu and nursed him to health with pt's homeheath nurses and 2 Drs appts a week. WHile hin bp's partied off their wellfar checks. OK sorry I had to vent, Just remember your not alone and when your at the end of the rope look deep into those little eyes and realize that you are that little ones angel and someone has to fight for their rights....if not you who?

fostermama said...

sammy_bunny - no it is not possible to only get kids whose parents' rights have been terminated. Unless you want older kids. Our county places infants in "pre-adoptive homes" when their cases are looking like they're going in that direction. That's why we got Niblet to begin with. But it means that once their parents' rights are terminated they're already IN their forever home. Which is great for the kid. But unless we want to sit and wait for years with no guarantees, we can't just wait for one who's already freed.

Suncana A. said...

Very few children in America are genuine orphans. Most have relatives, family friends, neighbors or godparents who could, and are willing to, keep them if they must be moved temporarily or permanently from parental homes. As we know, there is such a halo around "adoption" and states have received financial incentives for finding "forever homes" for the children who are made Paper Orphans by a stroke of a judge's pen. The child is labeled as abused and/or neglected and therefore is "at risk" and usually that means more money goes to the people who adopt the child, usually the ones in the pre-adoptive home where most babies are placed immediately. Those people have a say and can make comments along the way, so they are very much involved and interested in interrupting any chance that the baby will be returned home. If the baby stays in a "foster" home for 15 of 22 months, as you know from reading, then the termination can be effectively automatic by federal law and state incorporation of its provisions and sometimes that's the excuse....
Last year over two million American families were falsely accused of child abuse!!!

It is not in any one individual state but is now a worldwide epidemic.

I don't mean to disturb you but I really want people to be aware about that subject, because today, tomorrow, in the next half hour, it could happen to us too!

Imagine if you were suddenly accused of being a child molester.....
Imagine if nobody believed you when you cried out that you were innocent....
Imagine if you were separated from your children and sent to prison for life....

Some people don't have to imagine. It really happened to them !

Please read those people stories and then make your own decision !




Public need to know what's going on and the more publicity the better chance of getting laws changed to stop false allegations!
Please don't just say no, give it a chance,please. True info, some local media avenues are already shedding light on this, but we need a bigger voice or it won't change. Someone the PEOPLE will listen to, give innocent Children a voice.

Anonymous said...

RIGHT ON SUNCANA A!!!! I could not have said it better!!!