Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Will Mother's Day always be bittersweet?

The first Mother's Day that we had Squeak, we had Niblet visiting with us, as well. The 4 of us galavanted around town and had a great time. It's a time I think about when I imagine what it would have been like if she'd come back to us.

Niblet's 4th birthday was recently. I can't imagine what she must be like now. I hope she's talking up a storm. We never really heard her talk. She had a few words by the time she left us at 18 months old, and a couple more a year later, but we never heard her say sentences or really express any feelings or anything. Although she was a wonderful little person, we lost contact with her before she came into her personhood. I hope she has it now. As far as we know, she's still with her good family members and I hope they've TPRed her parents by now. She could be adopted and have a mother, father and 2 older, doting, brothers. That would be great.

But still, I mourn. She is my daughter. As much as her birthmother (even more, some would argue), I am her mother. I don't know if I wish for her to remember us, or for her family to tell her about her time in foster care, but even if she never knows, I know we are a part of who she is and I will always miss her with each passing year.

A while ago, I happened to catch sight of Niblet's birthparents waiting for a bus. Her mother was, as far as I could tell from my drive-by view, very pregnant. I have no idea if I was right, or what happened to that baby. It drove home how much is still uncertain for Niblet and how many children there are out there who are in danger or living in horrible situations. At the time I didn't know whether to hope that the baby was born addicted and taken away then, or to hope that the parents were getting help and managing to keep things together for the little one. This time. That second option doesn't stick with me very long. Because the thing about good parenting is that you have to do it forever. And I don't trust those people with a child. At. All. I'm left with the hope that the kid will get hurt like Niblet did - enough for a removal, but not enough to cause permanent damage (whatever that means).

I guess my thoughts are just all over the place. Even though we're not doing fostercare anymore, and at this point we're considering not even adopting again at all, (since Squeak is awesome enough!), I wanted to reach out there and let you guys that, at least at Chez FosterMoms, fostering is still taking a toll.

I just hope that my little girl is enjoying life to the fullest and that Mother's Day and her birthday fill her only with feelings of love and joy.


Overwhelmed! said...

Your post really touched me today.

I'm mourning the loss of contact with our first FD (I posted about it today). She was reunited with her birth parents last August (after being with us from 2 weeks old to 9 months old) and up until April we got to see her every now and then. It appears that contact with her and her family is being cut off with no explanation and my heart is aching.

I miss her. She will always feel like our daughter in my heart.

I wish the same for our little Baby Bug as you do for your Niblet.

Amanda said...

I have the same thoughts about our two placements... It's hard to imagine what their life is like now and I didn't mother them for nearly as long as you did Niblet.

I hope your family is well. If you've got another blog elsewhere, and wouldn't mind me reading, I'd live to :-)

brette said...

i know how you are feeling. my family is in foster care and has been for about 3 years. we first fostered 2 brothers that were a handful. we had them for about a year and then they were given back to their family. then about 5 months later we got them back, only for them to be adopted by another family. we lost contact with them and i miss them dearly. to me they will always be my 2 first younger brothers. i hope that one day when they are older their parents will tell them about me and my family and how we played a part of their life. and maybe when they are older we will get to see them again, but i doubt it. my family has fostered a few other children and adopted 2. i love my 2 new brothers to death but everytime a child comes and leaves it hurts. i cant even imagin how hard it is on my mother. i hope that when i am an adult i can be as strong as her and help children in need.

Anonymous said...

My sister in law is about to lose the baby she has been caring for since she was just 2 weeks old and is now alomost 1 year old. The birth mother lost all rights and the birth father after waiting almost six months came forward and now wants his daughter. He has done everything the court has asked but just because you get a piece of paper stating you completed a couple of parenting classes does not make you a father. He is a recovering drug user and was connected to one of the worst gangs in this area. I just dont get the courts for wanting to do this. She would have a huge extended family if she could stay with us, when this all started my sister in law was told she would be able to adopt her but I guess it was all just lies. We will all miss her and love her forever

Anonymous said...

to continue with this story the birth father had his first day with his daughter and being allowed to take her home. After returning to the drop off point he accidently locked the baby in the car, it was a warm day about 80 degrees but the problem was he did not want to break the window to get her out because it was his mothers car and did not want to damge it, the foster mom begged him to break the window even offering him to pay for the window with no luck. She had no choice but to call 911 because 30 min has already gone by. The police came and got the door opened and my sister in law (foster mother) took her to the doctors to be checked out. The police held the birth father for about an hour asking him why he would not break the window, i guess they laid into him pretty bad which he clearly deserved for not wanting to take any action to get her out. CPS was called to the scene to take a report. The next day my ssiter in law called the social worker and told her everything, the social workers response was he made a mistake and increased his visits to multible overnights. I'm sorry but these social workers have no hearts or common sense, they are putting this child in harms way by giving the birth father custody and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that my sister in law lost her case and the baby she has cared for since she was 2 weeks old went to the birth father. He has 45 days to bring his living conditions up to par, he currently living below poverty level. I'm not saying that poor people should not raise children but the stuff this guy has pulled during the last 6 months is crazy and the sad part is the Social Worker is so blinded. The must put a start on the wall everytime they give children back to the parents who do not deserve to be parents.

We will miss her

Christine said...

I lived in foster care from 13 to 15 years of age. I am now 21 and have been married for nearly a year. My husband is a Marine, and we recently bought our first house. We have two extra bedrooms and a gigantic fenced in backyard. I want to become a foster parent. I'm not going to lie... I'm scared as hell. I would only want to foster one child at a time. I have a zillion questions and I would greatly appreciate it if someone could get in contact with me. My first meeting with the foster care people is June 24th. Thanks!