Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I wish she could talk

I wish we could ask Niblet what she wants, how she feels. I know that, even if she were talking like an average 2.5 year old, she wouldn't be capable of that kind of conversation. But I wish it anyway.

Lately, we've been not as anxious to see Niblet. We've skipped many weekends. Sometimes it's been because she's with other relatives and her parents forgot to have her back in time for us to pick her up (which is great, in that she's getting to be with various family), and sometimes it's just because we're too busy to see her. Or we really need to relax or get things done.
Being with Niblet is great, but it takes a lot of work.

It's becoming additionally hard as Squeak is getting older and more possessive. It's actually kind of cute. The last time she was over, Niblet and Squeak literally fought over EVERYTHING. Toys, our laps, the same square of rug, anything. And Squeak's not really old enough to win these battles, but he sure does try.

So to avoid possessiveness, and keep our sanity a little bit, we like to spend most of our time out of the house. Which, with the colder weather, is becoming harder. Especially since Niblet isn't really old enough to enjoy things like museums or other indoor kids' stuff.

Really, the main problem is our continued lack-of-relationship with her parents. It's getting easier to plan visits, but anything else - like talking about what new words she has, what things she likes to do, or how they keep her from throwing everything - is nearly impossible. So we end up with a 2.5 year old who we basically don't know anything about. Which is a hard thing to do, regardless of the situation.

From Niblet's point of view, as far as I can tell, she still adores coming to visit us. She pulls out every ASL sign we ever taught her (more, please, apple, food, light). She loves visiting with our friends. We'll usually give her a nap by laying down on our bed with her, and she just closes her eyes and goes to sleep. It's miraculous, considering our year-long sleep deprivation when we had her.

She still gets emotional when we drop her off, though. And often will start tearing up when we go to pick her up, as well. But everything is all-or-nothing with Little Miss Niblet, and I try to talk to her about her feelings, as best I can, so that's all there is to do.

I guess the thing I'm skirting around, is that it seems like it might be easier to stop seeing her. I don't think I'll ever be able to actually make that decision and follow through on it, but it might actually be the best thing. I don't know...

Our biggest goal at this point, is to make sure she gets into HeadStart as soon as possible. She'll be 3 in the Spring, so she can either start then, or in the Fall, I'm not sure how it works. Her parents just got an apartment "out of the ghetto" (as they put it) by a few blocks, but I'm sure it's still near a HeadStart program. If they're still here when it's registration time, we're going to bring them the information and forms and ask if they need any help getting her set up in a program. I think that's the best thing we can do for Niblet. So, I guess, in order to do that, we have to stay in her life at least until then.

It's just such a weird situation. And, to top it all off, I can't stop myself from occasionally daydreaming about the "what ifs". I would take her back in a heartbeat and really want to stop hoping for that, but I can't yet. It actually annoys me, but there it is.

Alright, that's it for now. I'd like to keep up on posting here, but I don't know what to write about. I almost signed up for NaBloPoMo, but it seemed like too much. So if you guys have any questions or would like elaborations on anything, please speak up. I know I have one request out there for an adoptive breastfeeding post, and I'll get on that, but what else?

1 comment:

Kikilia said...

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you in this situation.

However, judging by Niblet's reactions- remembering the sign language, getting upset when you return her home- would lead me to believe that she still needs to see you on some level.

Maybe you could meet with her folks for 10 minutes a month and discuss anything new about Niblet they'd like to share- or you could ask your questions then... I don't know.

Like I said- I have no idea what you're going through and feel free to ignore my a**vise.

I just don't know that I'd be able to walk away from a child that I had loved for so long and never know what became of her.