The head of the adoption and homefinding unit in our county retired recently. She was not all bad, but she had serious interpersonal challenges. You could learn how to work her and get out from under her shoe, but she also scared off a lot of people and treated us like crap way too often. She had a hard job, granted, but she didn't have to be so hard on "her" foster parents. She also had no concept that it was more important to retain good foster parents than to recruit new ones. She had an obsession with numbers of new recruits, but didn't do a good job supporting those of us already doing it.
Anyway, her senior underling is amazing and awesome. And she just sent out a letter announcing that she got the promotion! She is now head of the unit! So exciting. I really hope she can do a good job and make some good changes in the dept. She doesn't have enough support from above or laterally (bad supervisors in other units, and clueless and politically motivated supervisors above her) but she is an amazing woman and she manages to be sane and insane in a good balance and to always be warm and supportive. I hope she manages to find good staff for under her, too (there's so much turnover, and often long vacancies). This job is a set-up for failure, but I think this woman can do it as well as anyone. And she's not going to give up. I'm just excited to have someone who is genuinely supportive of foster parents in this position. And who really seems to get it about what our lives and responsibilities and challenges are like. Yay.
Our appeal on the Joy situation is going out in the mail today. If we get cleared (please!?!?!?!) then I could see us doing this crazy thing again some day. Especially with this newest development.
Here's hoping this County can turn around and become a much better place to foster. I know she can't do it alone, but she can be a big part of good change.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Pray to 'em if you've got 'em
Today we're mailing off our letter to the office investigating the Joy Fiasco. This is for the "administrative review" portion of the journey. If you'll recall, they already found us "indicated" and decided that we either beat her, causing her bruises, or ignored her while she did them herself. Neither of which is true, obviously, but certainly both can't be. Anyway...
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Niblet moving away??
We have Niblet for the afternoon today. She is so super cute and very sweet, if a bit overtired and cranky cuz she didn't get much of a nap (our fault - sometimes it's really hard when we have both babies!). FosterMommy is out with her hanging out with friends right now, and I have Squeak home asleep, cuz he wouldn't nap much at all during the day today and doesn't sleep well away from home currently, so we couldn't justify keeping him out past his bedtime.
When I went to pick up Niblet today, her dad told me in passing that he was thinking of moving down to North Carolina. He has a son who lives there and rents a whole house for $250/month, and I guess dad's had a bunch of housing difficulties (they just had to leave their old apt and seem to have temporary housing at the moment). I asked if all 3 of them would be going, and he said no just him and Niblet. So he'd be taking her away from her mother. I have no idea what mom thinks of this, or if she realizes that she has a say (she never had her rights terminated, we don't think, so she could get joint custody if she has completed her drug treatment - we don't know if she has). I doubt she wants her baby taken away. I wonder if she even knows what he's thinking.
He's planning to go down there in a couple weeks to see if he likes it, and I think from what he said that if he does the move would be almost immediate.
We might lose our baby again.
I can't bear to think of it.
We have had such dreams of her growing up with us in her life, of us getting to see her grow up and be a part of it... I want that so much! We really thought we were going to have it! We knew we had no control, but we had no reason to think he was going to up and move many states away all of a sudden while she's still young enough to forget us, either. She doesn't even say our names yet. Can't ask for us. Can't talk to us on the phone. If she goes, we're really losing her.
Our friend had a foster kid (and then her brother too) for 3 years, and then the girl went to her mom. Still, our friend was God-Mother and was still practically raising the girl. Much more than us with Niblet. Mom recently sent the girl to live with her father (the boy had been sent there months ago) in a far-away state. Our friend is going to be going there to visit soon (or maybe already has). But that girl is 5 or 6, so she can write letters and everything. And our friend doesn't have other kids so it's easier for her to travel.
I don't want to lose Niblet.
I pray that he decides to stay, and finds a good housing situation here.
The temptation is strong to ask if he has Section 8 or what and then figure out if we can manage to rent him our apartment. I don't really want them to live downstairs from us (the floors are thin), and I don't really want to have that kind of involvement with someone with whom I have a monetary relationship. Not to mention that we totally can't afford to take anything less in rent than we charge currently. And that we currently have tenants we really love. I just want her to stay so badly. I'd do anything.
When I went to pick up Niblet today, her dad told me in passing that he was thinking of moving down to North Carolina. He has a son who lives there and rents a whole house for $250/month, and I guess dad's had a bunch of housing difficulties (they just had to leave their old apt and seem to have temporary housing at the moment). I asked if all 3 of them would be going, and he said no just him and Niblet. So he'd be taking her away from her mother. I have no idea what mom thinks of this, or if she realizes that she has a say (she never had her rights terminated, we don't think, so she could get joint custody if she has completed her drug treatment - we don't know if she has). I doubt she wants her baby taken away. I wonder if she even knows what he's thinking.
He's planning to go down there in a couple weeks to see if he likes it, and I think from what he said that if he does the move would be almost immediate.
We might lose our baby again.
I can't bear to think of it.
We have had such dreams of her growing up with us in her life, of us getting to see her grow up and be a part of it... I want that so much! We really thought we were going to have it! We knew we had no control, but we had no reason to think he was going to up and move many states away all of a sudden while she's still young enough to forget us, either. She doesn't even say our names yet. Can't ask for us. Can't talk to us on the phone. If she goes, we're really losing her.
Our friend had a foster kid (and then her brother too) for 3 years, and then the girl went to her mom. Still, our friend was God-Mother and was still practically raising the girl. Much more than us with Niblet. Mom recently sent the girl to live with her father (the boy had been sent there months ago) in a far-away state. Our friend is going to be going there to visit soon (or maybe already has). But that girl is 5 or 6, so she can write letters and everything. And our friend doesn't have other kids so it's easier for her to travel.
I don't want to lose Niblet.
I pray that he decides to stay, and finds a good housing situation here.
The temptation is strong to ask if he has Section 8 or what and then figure out if we can manage to rent him our apartment. I don't really want them to live downstairs from us (the floors are thin), and I don't really want to have that kind of involvement with someone with whom I have a monetary relationship. Not to mention that we totally can't afford to take anything less in rent than we charge currently. And that we currently have tenants we really love. I just want her to stay so badly. I'd do anything.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Summer's here.
I don't have anything to say about summer, really, just that it's going to get up to 97 degrees here today - ouch. We'll be hiding out in the baby room with the a/c on, thankyouverymuch.
A couple of weeks ago, we took Niblet overnight at our house and it went really well. Actually, Squeak was the biggest problem that night - he was up for a couple hours for no particular reason. Niblet went to sleep in the crib pretty easily, then woke up once and fostermama sat with her until she fell fast asleep again. Then later on, I she woke up and I just brought her into our bed (since fostermama was on the couch with the not-sleeping Squeak) and she slept like a rock for the rest of the night. I don't mind snuggling with her, and I'm sure that sleeping with me one night every few weeks is not going to mess up her sleeping at home, so it's all good. Her mom tells us that she still wakes up in the night crying and nothing calms her down. She has always done that. She's not the kind of baby who wakes up in the morning and happily babbles to herself until someone comes to get her. Nope. She's always been a full-force crier. Unfortunately, it pushes her mom's buttons. So that's why she's very happy for us to take her overnight sometimes. As she put it, "I need a break!"
Her mom has started talking/venting to us more. I'm glad. It means she's comfortable with us and knows we're not going to give her advice she's not asking for, or look down on her, or whatever. She even said to fostermama, on the phone the other day, that she tried talking nice to Niblet when she was crying non-stop, but that didn't work. If she yells at her a couple of times, she stops, so that's what she does. I totally understand needing the crying to stop.
Niblet's mom also asked us to take her WIC farmer's market coupons and get some fruit for Niblet. She said she doesn't really give her fruit, so she doesn't know what she likes. We got those coupons last year and we go to the market every week anyway, so we're happy to do that. Last year Niblet was a plum FIEND. She would eat 2 or 3 of them just on the walk home.
We're thinking that, this year, peaches will probably be good because she can probably bite through the skin herself. Plums are a little harder, but I'm guessing anything will be fair game once it's cut away from the pit and in a few pieces. She really loves fruit.
One time, we were in the local supermarket for...something...we usually shop at the food coop, so I don't remember why we were in the supermarket...anyway, Niblet was in the stroller and we passed through the produce section. She spotted the apples and flipped out! She didn't calm down until we took a bag of them off the display, opened it up and handed her one. She was the happiest baby in the world.
I can't wait until she has more words. Once she's more verbal, she's going to be sooo much happier. She can say a few things and she has a few signs, but she still gets really frustrated because there are so many things she understands, so many things she wants to say, and she has no way to get any of it across except by yelling/crying/pointing. Hopefully the words will come to her soon.
Last weekend we went to pick up Niblet, and she wasnt there because she had spent the night with her aunt and wasn't back yet. It wasn't a big deal, because fostermama has been sick and we even thought about cancelling the visit because we're pretty overwhelmed right now. Anyway, when we got there and Niblet's dad was really sorry we had wasted our time. His phone is broken, so he couldn't call us. He told us that they're moving this week. It's unclear if *they* are moving, or if just *he* is moving. He said he'll have to put stuff in storage and stay in a hotel until the county finds them/him another place. It's very confusing, because he hasn't been there a year yet. So maybe he and the mom are splitting up and he's moving out? Well, hopefully we'll find out more soon. fostermama's going to pick up the farmer's market coupons this afternoon, hopefully, so maybe she can find out more.
We already realize that, if they're all moving, we may very well lose contact with them for a few weeks or more. We're going to give them all our phone numbers, again, so maybe they won't lose it. And if we don't hear from them, we'll send a letter to their address and hope it's forwarded. But, really, it's a small town, and if they don't contact us, we can find them. I'm just glad we have some warning.
Being Niblet's godparents is an adventure, that's for sure!
A couple of weeks ago, we took Niblet overnight at our house and it went really well. Actually, Squeak was the biggest problem that night - he was up for a couple hours for no particular reason. Niblet went to sleep in the crib pretty easily, then woke up once and fostermama sat with her until she fell fast asleep again. Then later on, I she woke up and I just brought her into our bed (since fostermama was on the couch with the not-sleeping Squeak) and she slept like a rock for the rest of the night. I don't mind snuggling with her, and I'm sure that sleeping with me one night every few weeks is not going to mess up her sleeping at home, so it's all good. Her mom tells us that she still wakes up in the night crying and nothing calms her down. She has always done that. She's not the kind of baby who wakes up in the morning and happily babbles to herself until someone comes to get her. Nope. She's always been a full-force crier. Unfortunately, it pushes her mom's buttons. So that's why she's very happy for us to take her overnight sometimes. As she put it, "I need a break!"
Her mom has started talking/venting to us more. I'm glad. It means she's comfortable with us and knows we're not going to give her advice she's not asking for, or look down on her, or whatever. She even said to fostermama, on the phone the other day, that she tried talking nice to Niblet when she was crying non-stop, but that didn't work. If she yells at her a couple of times, she stops, so that's what she does. I totally understand needing the crying to stop.
Niblet's mom also asked us to take her WIC farmer's market coupons and get some fruit for Niblet. She said she doesn't really give her fruit, so she doesn't know what she likes. We got those coupons last year and we go to the market every week anyway, so we're happy to do that. Last year Niblet was a plum FIEND. She would eat 2 or 3 of them just on the walk home.
We're thinking that, this year, peaches will probably be good because she can probably bite through the skin herself. Plums are a little harder, but I'm guessing anything will be fair game once it's cut away from the pit and in a few pieces. She really loves fruit.
One time, we were in the local supermarket for...something...we usually shop at the food coop, so I don't remember why we were in the supermarket...anyway, Niblet was in the stroller and we passed through the produce section. She spotted the apples and flipped out! She didn't calm down until we took a bag of them off the display, opened it up and handed her one. She was the happiest baby in the world.
I can't wait until she has more words. Once she's more verbal, she's going to be sooo much happier. She can say a few things and she has a few signs, but she still gets really frustrated because there are so many things she understands, so many things she wants to say, and she has no way to get any of it across except by yelling/crying/pointing. Hopefully the words will come to her soon.
Last weekend we went to pick up Niblet, and she wasnt there because she had spent the night with her aunt and wasn't back yet. It wasn't a big deal, because fostermama has been sick and we even thought about cancelling the visit because we're pretty overwhelmed right now. Anyway, when we got there and Niblet's dad was really sorry we had wasted our time. His phone is broken, so he couldn't call us. He told us that they're moving this week. It's unclear if *they* are moving, or if just *he* is moving. He said he'll have to put stuff in storage and stay in a hotel until the county finds them/him another place. It's very confusing, because he hasn't been there a year yet. So maybe he and the mom are splitting up and he's moving out? Well, hopefully we'll find out more soon. fostermama's going to pick up the farmer's market coupons this afternoon, hopefully, so maybe she can find out more.
We already realize that, if they're all moving, we may very well lose contact with them for a few weeks or more. We're going to give them all our phone numbers, again, so maybe they won't lose it. And if we don't hear from them, we'll send a letter to their address and hope it's forwarded. But, really, it's a small town, and if they don't contact us, we can find them. I'm just glad we have some warning.
Being Niblet's godparents is an adventure, that's for sure!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Baby!
No, not for us. One is plenty for now, thankyouverymuch.
But please click on over here and take a peek at baby Seli, the newest addition to Peter's Cross Station.
Sounds like it was a whirlwind match. I'm partial to those, now, seeing as that's how we got Squeak.
I'm so happy for all of them and look forward to stories of Nat-as-Sibling.
But please click on over here and take a peek at baby Seli, the newest addition to Peter's Cross Station.
Sounds like it was a whirlwind match. I'm partial to those, now, seeing as that's how we got Squeak.
I'm so happy for all of them and look forward to stories of Nat-as-Sibling.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
"Want" is a strong word.
This weekend I learned something.
I don't want Niblet to come live with us.
Here's what happened.
We went camping this past weekend with a bunch of friends. We asked to take Niblet with us, and her parents were pretty psyched to get a weekend's break. We picked her up on Friday afternoon and drove out there (1 hour away) that evening.
We were going to keep her until Monday afternoon.
Instead, we brought her back Saturday night.
Niblet *loved* the camping. She loved having all our friends around (all of whom she knows very well). She loved running free. She fell asleep really easily in the tent with all 4 of us snuggling together.
She didn't, however, stay asleep. She woke up 5 or 6 times, crying at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't calm down for anything. Each time she eventually just stopped and fell back asleep. One time she had made a huge poop that leaked, and then after she was changed she stayed up for almost 2 hours.
The next day we were all exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap with her mid-day, but it was so hot in the tent I thought we'd both get heat stroke!
It's possible that the subsequent nights she would have been more used to the tent and to being with us, but we just couldn't take the risk.
The main problem was that we weren't taking proper care of Squeak because we were both pretty focused on Niblet.
Squeak has a skin problem that needs lotion put on it multiple times a day to keep it at bay. Friday we did it once when we should have done it 3-4 times. Overnight, I didn't change his diaper because I was afraid of waking Niblet - and then he woke up with a diaper rash. It's a bunch of little things, but they added up to the fact that we weren't able to properly be there for him and her at the same time.
Yes, we were both recovering from colds and certainly camping with 2 babies is hard, but really it was easier than if we'd been at home. We had friends around who were very helpful with both kids, and Niblet certainly wasn't bored for a minute.
We realized early on Saturday that, if we wanted to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend and come out of it relaxed, we had to bring Niblet home.
So we called her parents, told a little lie about why we needed to bring her back, and I drove her home. Why did we lie? Because it was easier. If we had better communication with her parents, we'd have admitted to getting in over our heads, but we don't.
I feel guilty. Guilty that we lied. Guilty that we offered her parents a weekend's respite and then rescinded. And guilty that I can't picture a way that we could possibly parent Niblet and Squeak without losing our minds and doing a crap-ass job.
What I want is to parent Squeak to the best of my ability. What I want is to spend my vacations with fostermama and Squeak - my complete family.
I do *wish* that things were different. That I was a parent more capable to take on a toddler and an infant. When they're both older, taking her for longer periods of time will be more possible. But she's where she belongs. Squeak is ours and Niblet is theirs and that's the way it's supposed to be.
Would we still take her if she needed us? Of course. I'm just not hoping for it anymore. And that's a good place to be in.
I don't want Niblet to come live with us.
Here's what happened.
We went camping this past weekend with a bunch of friends. We asked to take Niblet with us, and her parents were pretty psyched to get a weekend's break. We picked her up on Friday afternoon and drove out there (1 hour away) that evening.
We were going to keep her until Monday afternoon.
Instead, we brought her back Saturday night.
Niblet *loved* the camping. She loved having all our friends around (all of whom she knows very well). She loved running free. She fell asleep really easily in the tent with all 4 of us snuggling together.
She didn't, however, stay asleep. She woke up 5 or 6 times, crying at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't calm down for anything. Each time she eventually just stopped and fell back asleep. One time she had made a huge poop that leaked, and then after she was changed she stayed up for almost 2 hours.
The next day we were all exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap with her mid-day, but it was so hot in the tent I thought we'd both get heat stroke!
It's possible that the subsequent nights she would have been more used to the tent and to being with us, but we just couldn't take the risk.
The main problem was that we weren't taking proper care of Squeak because we were both pretty focused on Niblet.
Squeak has a skin problem that needs lotion put on it multiple times a day to keep it at bay. Friday we did it once when we should have done it 3-4 times. Overnight, I didn't change his diaper because I was afraid of waking Niblet - and then he woke up with a diaper rash. It's a bunch of little things, but they added up to the fact that we weren't able to properly be there for him and her at the same time.
Yes, we were both recovering from colds and certainly camping with 2 babies is hard, but really it was easier than if we'd been at home. We had friends around who were very helpful with both kids, and Niblet certainly wasn't bored for a minute.
We realized early on Saturday that, if we wanted to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend and come out of it relaxed, we had to bring Niblet home.
So we called her parents, told a little lie about why we needed to bring her back, and I drove her home. Why did we lie? Because it was easier. If we had better communication with her parents, we'd have admitted to getting in over our heads, but we don't.
I feel guilty. Guilty that we lied. Guilty that we offered her parents a weekend's respite and then rescinded. And guilty that I can't picture a way that we could possibly parent Niblet and Squeak without losing our minds and doing a crap-ass job.
What I want is to parent Squeak to the best of my ability. What I want is to spend my vacations with fostermama and Squeak - my complete family.
I do *wish* that things were different. That I was a parent more capable to take on a toddler and an infant. When they're both older, taking her for longer periods of time will be more possible. But she's where she belongs. Squeak is ours and Niblet is theirs and that's the way it's supposed to be.
Would we still take her if she needed us? Of course. I'm just not hoping for it anymore. And that's a good place to be in.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Fight the Power
[Button removed on 9/12/07...thanks everyone for your help and support!]
In response to my previous rant, Beth asked if there was a way that people who wanted to could throw a few bucks our way to help pay our lawyer.
So I figured out how to make a PayPal button and put it up on the sidebar.
I feel weird doing it, but I know that people aren't going to help us out for any other reason than that they want to. I mean, really, since when did savvy interneters ever pay money just because a button told them to?
So, please, feel free to ignore it. I just wanted to let y'all know why it's there. And if you feel the urge to click, thank you so very much. Really.
In response to my previous rant, Beth asked if there was a way that people who wanted to could throw a few bucks our way to help pay our lawyer.
So I figured out how to make a PayPal button and put it up on the sidebar.
I feel weird doing it, but I know that people aren't going to help us out for any other reason than that they want to. I mean, really, since when did savvy interneters ever pay money just because a button told them to?
So, please, feel free to ignore it. I just wanted to let y'all know why it's there. And if you feel the urge to click, thank you so very much. Really.
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