What's been going on Chez Fostermoms, you ask? Everything and nothing.
First, the Niblet situation:
Niblet's not going anywhere any time soon. The last time we picked her up, fostermama asked Niblet's mom about the whole moving-out-of-state thing. Her mom said that her dad just got approved for Section 8 and there's a rule that you can't transfer your Section 8 out of state until you've been living in your current state for one year. So he can't move for one year. So we have Niblet for at least one more year. As we know, a lot can happen in a year, so whatever. We're just enjoying her in the moment. We've actually skipped a week here and there because there's been a lot of other stuff going on with us and it's pretty all-encompassing to have her around. We don't really get anything else done. Hopefully, though, we'll take her for an afternoon/evening over the long weekend.
Niblet herself is still CUTE. She's enormous, in my eyes. Still only about 26 pounds soaking wet, size 3 diapers fit her very well, but she's tall and mature-looking. She's slowing communicating more, but she still doesn't initiate words. She'll copy back words and she uses ASL signs with us that we've taught her, and she babbles and is a huge fan of NO!, but no real "talking" as I would define it. She's behind in that regard, but I suspect she'll eventually catch up. And she UNDERSTANDS everything, no doubt about that.
In SqueakLand: Squeak is now 7 months old, sitting like an uber-pro, and thinking about becoming mobile. He launches himself at the world and is really good and getting stuff that we think are out of his reach. Silly moms!
We found out recently that he has many food allergies, as well as allergies to our cats. This has created a lot of problems to be solved in our lives. Our cats are our "first children". We're "those crazy cat people", truly. We're devoted to our fuzzies. But between them and our kid, well, there's no contest. They're going to live with a family member, for which we're eternally grateful. The idea of having them go to a stranger and possibly never seeing them again was killing me.
Otherwise, we're learning to live with a baby who lives to put everything in his mouth and who needs, for the safety of his life, to be kept away from anything with food on it. (Okay, not all food, just anything that might have any possible traces of: milk, egg, peanut, other nuts, wheat and soy - see that's not everything, right?) It's complicated, especially since most of our friends have toddler (which, by definition, are constantly sticky with food).
Because we're breastfeeding him, we've cut all of these things out of our diet and are on a crazy elimination diet so we can test everything else slowly and make sure he doesn't react to anything else. You can only test for a few things in an infant blood test, because you can only take a small amount of blood. Next time we'll test for more, but for now we just have to test them the old-fashioned way - by mouth.
It's hard to even know how I feel about this, because it's just become a part of my life so quickly, so easily it seems. We carry around an Ep1-pen wherever we go with him. We wipe his hands (and anywhere else he can reach with his mouth) whenever we've been out in the world, just in case he got something on him. We're still in the hypervigilant phase. I know we'll always be like that, unless and until he grows out of the allergies, but I think it will eventually be subconscious instead of the first thing on my mind.
And, in case you thought it had just gone away of it's own accord, we're STILL waiting to hear the result of our adminstrative appeal for the stupid indicated abuse report. We sent in our lawyer-written letter about 45 days ago and they have 90 days to give the decision. We don't expect an answer until the 90th day.
That's how it is here. Any other questions?
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Pray to 'em if you've got 'em
Today we're mailing off our letter to the office investigating the Joy Fiasco. This is for the "administrative review" portion of the journey. If you'll recall, they already found us "indicated" and decided that we either beat her, causing her bruises, or ignored her while she did them herself. Neither of which is true, obviously, but certainly both can't be. Anyway...
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
Monday, May 21, 2007
In the criminal justice system...
...foster care-based offenses aren't really considered especially heinous.
(Can you tell what TV show we watch all the time?)
We got the results of the investigation against us in the mail the other day. It was worse than we thought. They've been lying to us for over a month (act shocked, I dare you!)
They told us, over the phone, that we were found "indicated" due to "lack of supervision". Basically that we should have been hovering over Joy's crib all night long so she didn't hurt herself. Instead, they found us indicated due to that and ALSO indicated due to "bruising".
They think we hurt her on purpose. Or, at least, they think it's a possibility. So they're covering their bases.
Either we hit her OR she hurt herself while we weren't watching. They can't have it both ways. It's f'ed up. Also, I really think that, if they think we hit the kid, that it should be a criminal matter. If I hit an adult, I'd be arrested for assault. But hit a foster kid? Eh, just put 'em on a list. Doubly f'ed up, says me.
Anyhow, this new information makes it a much more serious case and much harder to prove our innocence. At least according to our lawyer.
Yep, we have to hire a lawyer. We met with him yesterday for 2 hours. Fortunately, he's a fellow foster parent. Unfortunately, his firm won't take us on pro-bono (because it's not a criminal case - see above). He's going to do this as cheaply as possible, but we have to give him $1000 retainer. ONE THOUSAND F*CKING DOLLARS. To clear our names. To fix what the bitch evil case worker has done.
Can we afford it? Nope. fostermama and I both work part-time, by choice, so we don't have to put Squeak in daycare. We're frugal and budget well. We have savings. We have no consumer debt. But we just paid for an adoption. and, face it, who has $1000 just sitting around collecting dust?
I just find it so unfair. We make around $40,000/year between the 2 of us. If this were a criminal matter, we'd each be eligible for a court-appointed lawyer. But since this is extra-judicial, then we have to pay.
So this Friend-The-Lawyer (FTL) says the next step is the administrative review. We're allowed to submit a letter and whatever supporting material we have. FTL is going to write the letter for us. He's also going to talk to our Placement Worker (who has worked with us since MAPP class) and write a letter for her to sign. He will probably take statements from Niblet's daycare worker and Niblet's OT, and write letters for them to sign, as well.
Our $1000 covers all this. If we're not cleared in this step, and we have to go on to an in-court hearing, then we'll have to sign a new contract and pay additional money.
Here's crossing our fingers that he writes good, convincing letters, cuz all this money's coming out of our small savings and we were planning on using that to, ya know, de-lead paint our porches and good stuff like that.
On the upside, a friend of ours made a very good point that might win our case for us. He said that the fact that, the same day that the daycare person mentioned the bruises to me, I not only went straight to a visit with Joy's mom, but then happily allowed her to go change Joy's diaper, means that I didn't have anything to hide. I could have easily said "oh, you're 9 months pregnant, let me change her for you!" and she never would have seen the bruises. But I didn't know they were there, and had no reason to keep her mom from changing her.
Really, why would we have pushed for visits and allowed the mom to see the bruises if we were beating Joy? We wouldn't have, is the answer. Case closed.
I hope.
(Can you tell what TV show we watch all the time?)
We got the results of the investigation against us in the mail the other day. It was worse than we thought. They've been lying to us for over a month (act shocked, I dare you!)
They told us, over the phone, that we were found "indicated" due to "lack of supervision". Basically that we should have been hovering over Joy's crib all night long so she didn't hurt herself. Instead, they found us indicated due to that and ALSO indicated due to "bruising".
They think we hurt her on purpose. Or, at least, they think it's a possibility. So they're covering their bases.
Either we hit her OR she hurt herself while we weren't watching. They can't have it both ways. It's f'ed up. Also, I really think that, if they think we hit the kid, that it should be a criminal matter. If I hit an adult, I'd be arrested for assault. But hit a foster kid? Eh, just put 'em on a list. Doubly f'ed up, says me.
Anyhow, this new information makes it a much more serious case and much harder to prove our innocence. At least according to our lawyer.
Yep, we have to hire a lawyer. We met with him yesterday for 2 hours. Fortunately, he's a fellow foster parent. Unfortunately, his firm won't take us on pro-bono (because it's not a criminal case - see above). He's going to do this as cheaply as possible, but we have to give him $1000 retainer. ONE THOUSAND F*CKING DOLLARS. To clear our names. To fix what the bitch evil case worker has done.
Can we afford it? Nope. fostermama and I both work part-time, by choice, so we don't have to put Squeak in daycare. We're frugal and budget well. We have savings. We have no consumer debt. But we just paid for an adoption. and, face it, who has $1000 just sitting around collecting dust?
I just find it so unfair. We make around $40,000/year between the 2 of us. If this were a criminal matter, we'd each be eligible for a court-appointed lawyer. But since this is extra-judicial, then we have to pay.
So this Friend-The-Lawyer (FTL) says the next step is the administrative review. We're allowed to submit a letter and whatever supporting material we have. FTL is going to write the letter for us. He's also going to talk to our Placement Worker (who has worked with us since MAPP class) and write a letter for her to sign. He will probably take statements from Niblet's daycare worker and Niblet's OT, and write letters for them to sign, as well.
Our $1000 covers all this. If we're not cleared in this step, and we have to go on to an in-court hearing, then we'll have to sign a new contract and pay additional money.
Here's crossing our fingers that he writes good, convincing letters, cuz all this money's coming out of our small savings and we were planning on using that to, ya know, de-lead paint our porches and good stuff like that.
On the upside, a friend of ours made a very good point that might win our case for us. He said that the fact that, the same day that the daycare person mentioned the bruises to me, I not only went straight to a visit with Joy's mom, but then happily allowed her to go change Joy's diaper, means that I didn't have anything to hide. I could have easily said "oh, you're 9 months pregnant, let me change her for you!" and she never would have seen the bruises. But I didn't know they were there, and had no reason to keep her mom from changing her.
Really, why would we have pushed for visits and allowed the mom to see the bruises if we were beating Joy? We wouldn't have, is the answer. Case closed.
I hope.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Only slightly meta.
I've decided to keep this blog. The reason, you may ask? Because I want to.
And, really, that's the only good reason to have a blog, isn't it?
I figure there's always going to be some stuff that I want to put out there that I don't particularly want to do in the blog all my friends read. I'm still going to be vague about where I am and who I am, so I can pretend that this is still relatively anonymous.
So there you have it.
In other news (isn't there always "other news" Chez Fostermoms??), we finally got the determination letter from CPS. Even though we got the call that we were "indicated" like, what, 3 weeks ago? We finally got the letter stating it. The letter also told us where to write to get a copy of our file and to request an "administrative review". Which is basically Evil Case Worker's uber-supervisor looking at the file, saying "yeah, they're Big Ol' Child Abusers" and then giving us a date for a fair hearing where we get to argue the point.
A friend/fellow foster parent, who happens to be a lawyer (not that there's anything wrong with that!) convinced us this past weekend that we need to talk to a lawyer about all this. Which makes total sense (why didn't you guys suggest that?!) since we really are going into this blindly and putting a lot more trust into the system than it really deserves.
He thinks he'll be able to help us with it, and he's friends with one of the heads of CPS, so we're going to start there. If he can't help us, he's also looking into who else might be able to do so. Shit, I was supposed to fax him our letters today...dammit. Well, maybe fostermama can bring them to work with her and fax them from there.
Whee, aren't you glad I decided to keep the blog? You get to read what's going on in my mind as it happens! What could be more thrilling than that?
On to more cute things...Squeak is busting out all over! This week he turned 3 months old and decided that he couldn't possibly do anything as banal as wear "3-6 month" sized clothes. No, not our Squeak! So we had to pull out the 6-9 monthers and, lo, he fits into 'em just fine. Plus, he seems to be on a growth spurt. He rolls from front to back, chuckles like Ernie, and is just so damn cute it's disgusting.
Stay tuned...
And, really, that's the only good reason to have a blog, isn't it?
I figure there's always going to be some stuff that I want to put out there that I don't particularly want to do in the blog all my friends read. I'm still going to be vague about where I am and who I am, so I can pretend that this is still relatively anonymous.
So there you have it.
In other news (isn't there always "other news" Chez Fostermoms??), we finally got the determination letter from CPS. Even though we got the call that we were "indicated" like, what, 3 weeks ago? We finally got the letter stating it. The letter also told us where to write to get a copy of our file and to request an "administrative review". Which is basically Evil Case Worker's uber-supervisor looking at the file, saying "yeah, they're Big Ol' Child Abusers" and then giving us a date for a fair hearing where we get to argue the point.
A friend/fellow foster parent, who happens to be a lawyer (not that there's anything wrong with that!) convinced us this past weekend that we need to talk to a lawyer about all this. Which makes total sense (why didn't you guys suggest that?!) since we really are going into this blindly and putting a lot more trust into the system than it really deserves.
He thinks he'll be able to help us with it, and he's friends with one of the heads of CPS, so we're going to start there. If he can't help us, he's also looking into who else might be able to do so. Shit, I was supposed to fax him our letters today...dammit. Well, maybe fostermama can bring them to work with her and fax them from there.
Whee, aren't you glad I decided to keep the blog? You get to read what's going on in my mind as it happens! What could be more thrilling than that?
On to more cute things...Squeak is busting out all over! This week he turned 3 months old and decided that he couldn't possibly do anything as banal as wear "3-6 month" sized clothes. No, not our Squeak! So we had to pull out the 6-9 monthers and, lo, he fits into 'em just fine. Plus, he seems to be on a growth spurt. He rolls from front to back, chuckles like Ernie, and is just so damn cute it's disgusting.
Stay tuned...
Saturday, April 07, 2007
He's ours! And DSS be damned!
The relinquishment period for Squeak's mom to change her mind passed without a peep from our agency. This means, except for the legal finalization, he's OUR SON!!!
YAY!!!!
And! and! and! We spoke with a lawyer who told us that it's totally up to the adoption agency to decide whether we can adopt in light of our Child Abuser status. Which was totally good news because our agency is run by people who have brain cells.
Which was proven when we called, told them the whole horrid story and they said "wow, what a horrible thing to happen to you. Of course you can still adopt him. No problemo." Or something to that effect.
Can we all take a big breath together? Now let it out.
Everything's okay. We'll win at the appeal, anyway, so our records will be clean, but even if we lose, it doesn't matter at all in our adoption of Squeak.
He's our son. We're his moms. Forever.
YAY!!!!
And! and! and! We spoke with a lawyer who told us that it's totally up to the adoption agency to decide whether we can adopt in light of our Child Abuser status. Which was totally good news because our agency is run by people who have brain cells.
Which was proven when we called, told them the whole horrid story and they said "wow, what a horrible thing to happen to you. Of course you can still adopt him. No problemo." Or something to that effect.
Can we all take a big breath together? Now let it out.
Everything's okay. We'll win at the appeal, anyway, so our records will be clean, but even if we lose, it doesn't matter at all in our adoption of Squeak.
He's our son. We're his moms. Forever.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
We're big ol' child abusers - beware!!
Mommynay wants an update, so here we go.
We visited family this weekend and Squeak was a hit all around. He's started making more cute cooing noises and has a sense of humor, so he smiles when you do something he considers amusing. He's growing like nobody's business and has apparently gained more than 1 pound per week that we've had him! Go mom-milk!
On the drive home, I checked the voice mail on the cell phone and picked up a message from Joy's Evil Case Worker (who is also the CW handling the CPS case against us). She just called to let us know that they made their determination on the "Joy matter" and that it is "indicated against Fostermommy & fostermama".
That is to say, they decided we did something wrong.
We don't have all the info yet, so we don't know how we go about appealing it and getting it expunged (which is what our placement coordinator already told us is the next step), but we have calls in to all and sundry so we can get this taken care of, like, yesterday.
It's just so ridiculous. I want to laugh, but we're worried. We're worried about what would happen if the Evil CW finds out we have Squeak. We're worried about what happens if this isn't expunged and it's on our record forever. If it's not expunged, it will show up when we file in the court to adopt Squeak, and who knows if we'd be allowed to actually adopt him!? It's craziness.
What I really want to do is drop a dime on Evil Case Worker for the emotional abuse she has perpetrated, and continues to perpetrate, against Joy. Unfortunately, things don't work like that. She's just "doing her job". We're the ones who are supposed to be perfect.
We visited family this weekend and Squeak was a hit all around. He's started making more cute cooing noises and has a sense of humor, so he smiles when you do something he considers amusing. He's growing like nobody's business and has apparently gained more than 1 pound per week that we've had him! Go mom-milk!
On the drive home, I checked the voice mail on the cell phone and picked up a message from Joy's Evil Case Worker (who is also the CW handling the CPS case against us). She just called to let us know that they made their determination on the "Joy matter" and that it is "indicated against Fostermommy & fostermama".
That is to say, they decided we did something wrong.
We don't have all the info yet, so we don't know how we go about appealing it and getting it expunged (which is what our placement coordinator already told us is the next step), but we have calls in to all and sundry so we can get this taken care of, like, yesterday.
It's just so ridiculous. I want to laugh, but we're worried. We're worried about what would happen if the Evil CW finds out we have Squeak. We're worried about what happens if this isn't expunged and it's on our record forever. If it's not expunged, it will show up when we file in the court to adopt Squeak, and who knows if we'd be allowed to actually adopt him!? It's craziness.
What I really want to do is drop a dime on Evil Case Worker for the emotional abuse she has perpetrated, and continues to perpetrate, against Joy. Unfortunately, things don't work like that. She's just "doing her job". We're the ones who are supposed to be perfect.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Things are Good
Not much to say 'round here. The little one ("Squeak", I'll call him) is great. He eats (nurses like a champ! Go adoptive breastfeeding!!), he sleeps (in the sling on my chest right now), he poops & pees like mad in his stylish cloth diapers, and he's just generally CUUUTE.
Does he sleep "good"? Well, for a 7-week-old, he does pretty well. Better than Niblet did for most of the time we had her, that's for sure. He gets a mite gassy at times, but he's a trooper. And did I mention cute? Yep, he's a cutie.
He's filling out a bunch, too. He's finding his hands a little bit. He loves it when we sign to him, and he smiles almost everytime I play this little nose-beeping game. It's super-adorable.
We're enjoying having a "normal" baby. It doesn't take 2 hours to get him to fall asleep. He eats a healthy amount at every feeding. He's 2 pounds lighter, at 7 weeks, than Niblet was at 6 months! And he's not a porker, for sure.
We haven't seen Niblet yet. She was out of town with her mom the first weekend we had Squeak and this weekend she and we are all sick, so no visit. We're on for next weekend, though. I know she's going to have grown a ton by the time we see her - and next to Squeak, she'll be HUGE. :)
On the DSS inquiry front, I called the woman heading the investigation about Joy and she said they will likely make their determination by the end of this week. That will be a huge relief. Even if if comes out against us, then we just go to the judge and argue it and we'll win. So there. It might even all be over and done with by the time we find out if Squeak is ours for keeps or not. That will be excellent.
Does he sleep "good"? Well, for a 7-week-old, he does pretty well. Better than Niblet did for most of the time we had her, that's for sure. He gets a mite gassy at times, but he's a trooper. And did I mention cute? Yep, he's a cutie.
He's filling out a bunch, too. He's finding his hands a little bit. He loves it when we sign to him, and he smiles almost everytime I play this little nose-beeping game. It's super-adorable.
We're enjoying having a "normal" baby. It doesn't take 2 hours to get him to fall asleep. He eats a healthy amount at every feeding. He's 2 pounds lighter, at 7 weeks, than Niblet was at 6 months! And he's not a porker, for sure.
We haven't seen Niblet yet. She was out of town with her mom the first weekend we had Squeak and this weekend she and we are all sick, so no visit. We're on for next weekend, though. I know she's going to have grown a ton by the time we see her - and next to Squeak, she'll be HUGE. :)
On the DSS inquiry front, I called the woman heading the investigation about Joy and she said they will likely make their determination by the end of this week. That will be a huge relief. Even if if comes out against us, then we just go to the judge and argue it and we'll win. So there. It might even all be over and done with by the time we find out if Squeak is ours for keeps or not. That will be excellent.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Cuz I know you're all wondering....
Here's how the visit with Joy's mom went.
Good and bad.
Joy was ecstatic to see her mom. She was smiling, babbling, playing. She'd had a good time at daycare, too, and was just so psyched to be with mom. Her mom said she was even more animated and talkative than she is usually.
Her mom is young, early 20s, and lacking in much common sense. We met at McD's and Joy happily ate a bunch of fries, 2 mcn*ggets and chocolate milk. So maybe if we get her healthy chicken nuggets, she'll eat those? Her mom said she pretty much doesn't worry about what she eats except at dinnertime when she "has to have some real food". She said that Joy liked the Tuna Helper she made one time and that she put green beans in it and she ate them. And that she likes the toddler entrees (she pronounced it "entries") from the supermarket.
My thought is that she likes to eat in social situations. Cuz she ate some at daycare while the other kids were eating. Now, there's nothing particularly wrong with chicken tenders and toddler entrees, except that they're wicked expensive. But we're health nuts. We shop at the food coop, we eat vegetarian, our meals are mostly beans/grains/veggies. We're happy to buy meat for a foster kid if that's what they'll eat, but I'm just not feeding a kid McD's on a regular basis! So hopefully we can find some stuff that isn't very expensive and that she'll eat.
Joy's mom said that she usually lets her stay up until very late at night and then lets her fall asleep in bed with her. So, basically, Joy has never had to fall asleep by herself in her crib. Which is exactly what we had been expecting of her. Which is why she was flipping out and crying so much. I feel really bad about it, but really, if the cw had set up visits or phone calls BEFORE Joy came into care...or even let us talk with the mom the day we got her...then we would have had this information and we could have taken better care of her from the beginning. Last night I stood by her crib for 45 minutes while she got up and down, drank milk, cried, relaxed, cried, and then finally fell asleep. It wasn't too bad.
But the last straw? Bruises.
Yep. Joy's mom went to change her diaper in the well-lit bathroom and came back to get me and show me these pretty big, really weird bruises on the sides of her legs.
Did I freak out? Yes. But not outwardly. All I was thinking was, well, there goes our foster care career, down the drain due to unexplainable bruising. The mom said she wasn't blaming us, but that they were weird and "if it were me, I'd take her to the doctor". (Um, it's your kid.)
I know she didn't have them when we got her, because I gave her a good once-over. But I had no idea where she got them. To make a long, stressful story short, I did eventually figure it out.
Seems that, while she was crying in her crib, she was trying to climb out and kept getting her legs through the bars of the crib. Her thighs aren't quite thin enough to slip through easily, so she'd get up to her thigh and then pull her leg out. and then try the other leg. We never knew she was doing this, because whenever we'd go in to give her another hug and lay her back down, she wasn't doing it. While I was with her last night, she did it a few times while she was trying to get me to take her out.
So, of course, we called her mom to let her know. We called the case worker to let her know, and to ask if we should still bring Joy to the doctor, and we emailed our social worker so that she's in the loop in case the cw freaks out anyway and says we are bad foster parents.
Those bruises are physical evidence of how f'ed up the system is. If they didn't have their 3-step plan for creating RAD, this child would not have these bruises.
Good and bad.
Joy was ecstatic to see her mom. She was smiling, babbling, playing. She'd had a good time at daycare, too, and was just so psyched to be with mom. Her mom said she was even more animated and talkative than she is usually.
Her mom is young, early 20s, and lacking in much common sense. We met at McD's and Joy happily ate a bunch of fries, 2 mcn*ggets and chocolate milk. So maybe if we get her healthy chicken nuggets, she'll eat those? Her mom said she pretty much doesn't worry about what she eats except at dinnertime when she "has to have some real food". She said that Joy liked the Tuna Helper she made one time and that she put green beans in it and she ate them. And that she likes the toddler entrees (she pronounced it "entries") from the supermarket.
My thought is that she likes to eat in social situations. Cuz she ate some at daycare while the other kids were eating. Now, there's nothing particularly wrong with chicken tenders and toddler entrees, except that they're wicked expensive. But we're health nuts. We shop at the food coop, we eat vegetarian, our meals are mostly beans/grains/veggies. We're happy to buy meat for a foster kid if that's what they'll eat, but I'm just not feeding a kid McD's on a regular basis! So hopefully we can find some stuff that isn't very expensive and that she'll eat.
Joy's mom said that she usually lets her stay up until very late at night and then lets her fall asleep in bed with her. So, basically, Joy has never had to fall asleep by herself in her crib. Which is exactly what we had been expecting of her. Which is why she was flipping out and crying so much. I feel really bad about it, but really, if the cw had set up visits or phone calls BEFORE Joy came into care...or even let us talk with the mom the day we got her...then we would have had this information and we could have taken better care of her from the beginning. Last night I stood by her crib for 45 minutes while she got up and down, drank milk, cried, relaxed, cried, and then finally fell asleep. It wasn't too bad.
But the last straw? Bruises.
Yep. Joy's mom went to change her diaper in the well-lit bathroom and came back to get me and show me these pretty big, really weird bruises on the sides of her legs.
Did I freak out? Yes. But not outwardly. All I was thinking was, well, there goes our foster care career, down the drain due to unexplainable bruising. The mom said she wasn't blaming us, but that they were weird and "if it were me, I'd take her to the doctor". (Um, it's your kid.)
I know she didn't have them when we got her, because I gave her a good once-over. But I had no idea where she got them. To make a long, stressful story short, I did eventually figure it out.
Seems that, while she was crying in her crib, she was trying to climb out and kept getting her legs through the bars of the crib. Her thighs aren't quite thin enough to slip through easily, so she'd get up to her thigh and then pull her leg out. and then try the other leg. We never knew she was doing this, because whenever we'd go in to give her another hug and lay her back down, she wasn't doing it. While I was with her last night, she did it a few times while she was trying to get me to take her out.
So, of course, we called her mom to let her know. We called the case worker to let her know, and to ask if we should still bring Joy to the doctor, and we emailed our social worker so that she's in the loop in case the cw freaks out anyway and says we are bad foster parents.
Those bruises are physical evidence of how f'ed up the system is. If they didn't have their 3-step plan for creating RAD, this child would not have these bruises.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Update
fostermama called our social worker and told her that the case worker hasn't set up visits yet. She was kinda surprised and thought it was ridiculous, so she gave us the mom's phone number and said to call her directly. fostermama double-checked that this wasn't going to get us into huge trouble, and the sw said it would be fine (which basically means she'll handle it if the sh*t does hit the fan). So we have a meeting set up for this afternoon.
I'll pick up Joy from the daycare and bring her to the local McD's where we'll meet up with her mom. She'll have about 30-45 minutes with her mom and then we'll go home and the mom goes to some class she's taking. The mom didn't feel comfortable having me come to her house, so that's why we're meeting at McD's. I totally understand, except, um, we have her kid. How could she feel fine giving us her kid, but not want us to see her messy apartment, or whatever? Anyway....
I know Joy's going to freak out when we have to leave her mom, but it'll be good for her to see her, anyway. I'm going to bring our camera so we can get a picture of mom and print it out for Joy to have.
Additionally, our SW was saying how there was talk that the placement might be for 6 weeks. Um, no. We signed up for 3 weeks. I would be fine doing 4 weeks, but more than that is ridiculous. It's not any good for Joy to be with us and longer will just make it worse. If a couple weeks post-partum isn't enough recovery time, then the mom needs to place one or both kids for adoption because she just can't hack it. And, realistically, it would be better for her to place the newborn and keep Joy because Joy needs her mom.
I just hope the visit goes well and I get some info on Joy so we can take care of her better.
I'll pick up Joy from the daycare and bring her to the local McD's where we'll meet up with her mom. She'll have about 30-45 minutes with her mom and then we'll go home and the mom goes to some class she's taking. The mom didn't feel comfortable having me come to her house, so that's why we're meeting at McD's. I totally understand, except, um, we have her kid. How could she feel fine giving us her kid, but not want us to see her messy apartment, or whatever? Anyway....
I know Joy's going to freak out when we have to leave her mom, but it'll be good for her to see her, anyway. I'm going to bring our camera so we can get a picture of mom and print it out for Joy to have.
Additionally, our SW was saying how there was talk that the placement might be for 6 weeks. Um, no. We signed up for 3 weeks. I would be fine doing 4 weeks, but more than that is ridiculous. It's not any good for Joy to be with us and longer will just make it worse. If a couple weeks post-partum isn't enough recovery time, then the mom needs to place one or both kids for adoption because she just can't hack it. And, realistically, it would be better for her to place the newborn and keep Joy because Joy needs her mom.
I just hope the visit goes well and I get some info on Joy so we can take care of her better.
DSS - Creating attachment disorders in 3 easy steps!
1. Take a 13-month-old child from her mother and place her with foster parents with no transition at all.
Even though the county has been working with the mom for over a year and knew exactly when her due date is and probably knew a while ago that it would be a good idea for her to "voluntarily" place the child while she recovers from giving birth, they made no motions at finding foster parents until the due date. and then, once found, made no motions at any kind of transition.
2. Don't allow the mom and the foster parents to contact each other.
We told them to give her our phone number. We asked if we could call her in the hospital. We need to know her routines, her likes/dislikes. We need a picture of her for the baby to look at. The mom hasn't done anything wrong and should still be intimately involved in her daughter's life.
3. Don't set up a visit right away and delay doing so until it looks like the kid is going to go at least one full week without seeing her mom.
The mom asked, yesterday afternoon, when there would be a visit. The cw didn't just pick up her cell and call us. Instead she said she'd "call tomorrow", which most likely meant she'd call Friday. And I bet she'll want to be present at the visit, which is completely unnecessary, so it won't get to be until Monday or Tuesday.
This poor little munchkin, who I'll call "Joy" (because she's completely lacking any joy in her life, so I'd like to put a little bit into her via this blog), is in full-on baby depression. She doesn't eat, she doesn't smile, I haven't heard her laugh. She cries unless we're holding her and cries occasionally even if we are holding her. We had to put her in daycare part-time because we can't rearrange our schedules for such a sort period of time. She was fine at daycare yesterday, but cried when each child left. She doesn't understand what's going on and doesn't want anyone to leave her. Hopefully this won't scar her forever, but I don't know how long she (and we) can handle it.
Even though the county has been working with the mom for over a year and knew exactly when her due date is and probably knew a while ago that it would be a good idea for her to "voluntarily" place the child while she recovers from giving birth, they made no motions at finding foster parents until the due date. and then, once found, made no motions at any kind of transition.
2. Don't allow the mom and the foster parents to contact each other.
We told them to give her our phone number. We asked if we could call her in the hospital. We need to know her routines, her likes/dislikes. We need a picture of her for the baby to look at. The mom hasn't done anything wrong and should still be intimately involved in her daughter's life.
3. Don't set up a visit right away and delay doing so until it looks like the kid is going to go at least one full week without seeing her mom.
The mom asked, yesterday afternoon, when there would be a visit. The cw didn't just pick up her cell and call us. Instead she said she'd "call tomorrow", which most likely meant she'd call Friday. And I bet she'll want to be present at the visit, which is completely unnecessary, so it won't get to be until Monday or Tuesday.
This poor little munchkin, who I'll call "Joy" (because she's completely lacking any joy in her life, so I'd like to put a little bit into her via this blog), is in full-on baby depression. She doesn't eat, she doesn't smile, I haven't heard her laugh. She cries unless we're holding her and cries occasionally even if we are holding her. We had to put her in daycare part-time because we can't rearrange our schedules for such a sort period of time. She was fine at daycare yesterday, but cried when each child left. She doesn't understand what's going on and doesn't want anyone to leave her. Hopefully this won't scar her forever, but I don't know how long she (and we) can handle it.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The house, she ain't empty no more.
On Friday, we got a call from The County asking if we'd take a placement of a 13-month-old for 3 weeks. Seems that her mother is 9 months pregnant and has no family or friends to help her out or watch the older child, so she's voluntarily placing her in foster care for the first 3 weeks so she can recuperate and get settled in with the new baby.
We said yes, obviously.
It wasn't certain when the placement would begin, but her due date was this weekend.
So on Sunday we had Niblet over to play, which involved us not getting a lot of sleep because she still wants us to give her a bottle and snuggles when she wakes up at night. Monday we went to work, but both planned on taking a nap the second we got home. fostermama picked me up from work and said "so now we go home and wait for the baby!" (She hadn't even gotten there yet and we were losing sleep over her!)
We went home, cleaned up a bit, started some laundry and muffins, and waited.
Finally the call came that they were on their way, and there they were!
fostermama and I had been taking guesses as to what race the little girl would be, as they hadn't mentioned it to us on the phone. That fact, alone, led us to believe she was white, because when it's not a white baby, they usually say "is that okay?" or something else stupid like that.
We're just used to our babies being not-white. But, anyway, when I saw them getting out of the car, I saw her little hand poking out and, sure enough, she's white.
She was a little hesitant at first, but once we got her interested in the cats and the toys, she didn't even notice when the case workers (one of whom she's known all her life) left. It didn't take her long, though, to start objecting if we got out of her range of vision. She figured out that we were "her people" and, though she doesn't know why, she's okay with it.
The evening went pretty well. She worked on getting to know all the toys. She drank her sippy cup like it was going out of style. She wouldn't eat much food, but we got a little bit into her. Then we decided it was time for her bath and bed. There's where the fun ended. She saw the bath and started crying. She didn't seem to dislike the bath, actually. I think it was just the "hey! where's my Mom! Why are you doing Mom things?!" She became very clingy after that, and developed a slight preference for fostermama, so she put the kiddo to sleep. She went down really easily, with slight fuss, and was out like a light.
Then, an hour later, she was up and screaming and there was no calming her. We brought her out with us and she lay on fostermama, sipping her cup and occasionally crying a very angry cry. Poor little chicken. There was really nothing we could do. She wanted her mom. She doesn't understand where her mom went or why she's with us. She was willing to be comforted and would start to fall asleep, but then she'd come awake a little and scream anew.
It went like this for about an hour. Then, after standing by the crib, rubbing her back while she cried, I left the room again. It seemed that having me there was possibly unhelpful because she would look at me and scream louder.
She cried for what seemed like an hour (but was probably more like 15 minutes) and finally fell asleep. She slept straight through until a little after 8am.
I feel so bad for this little girl. She likely has never spent the night away from her mom and isn't old enough to understand in the slightest. We're hoping we'll be able to visit her mom in the hospital soon, and then there will be frequent visits home during the rest of the time, but I suspect that each night will re-open this new wound and she'll have to go to sleep without the one kiss and hug she really wants.
We said yes, obviously.
It wasn't certain when the placement would begin, but her due date was this weekend.
So on Sunday we had Niblet over to play, which involved us not getting a lot of sleep because she still wants us to give her a bottle and snuggles when she wakes up at night. Monday we went to work, but both planned on taking a nap the second we got home. fostermama picked me up from work and said "so now we go home and wait for the baby!" (She hadn't even gotten there yet and we were losing sleep over her!)
We went home, cleaned up a bit, started some laundry and muffins, and waited.
Finally the call came that they were on their way, and there they were!
fostermama and I had been taking guesses as to what race the little girl would be, as they hadn't mentioned it to us on the phone. That fact, alone, led us to believe she was white, because when it's not a white baby, they usually say "is that okay?" or something else stupid like that.
We're just used to our babies being not-white. But, anyway, when I saw them getting out of the car, I saw her little hand poking out and, sure enough, she's white.
She was a little hesitant at first, but once we got her interested in the cats and the toys, she didn't even notice when the case workers (one of whom she's known all her life) left. It didn't take her long, though, to start objecting if we got out of her range of vision. She figured out that we were "her people" and, though she doesn't know why, she's okay with it.
The evening went pretty well. She worked on getting to know all the toys. She drank her sippy cup like it was going out of style. She wouldn't eat much food, but we got a little bit into her. Then we decided it was time for her bath and bed. There's where the fun ended. She saw the bath and started crying. She didn't seem to dislike the bath, actually. I think it was just the "hey! where's my Mom! Why are you doing Mom things?!" She became very clingy after that, and developed a slight preference for fostermama, so she put the kiddo to sleep. She went down really easily, with slight fuss, and was out like a light.
Then, an hour later, she was up and screaming and there was no calming her. We brought her out with us and she lay on fostermama, sipping her cup and occasionally crying a very angry cry. Poor little chicken. There was really nothing we could do. She wanted her mom. She doesn't understand where her mom went or why she's with us. She was willing to be comforted and would start to fall asleep, but then she'd come awake a little and scream anew.
It went like this for about an hour. Then, after standing by the crib, rubbing her back while she cried, I left the room again. It seemed that having me there was possibly unhelpful because she would look at me and scream louder.
She cried for what seemed like an hour (but was probably more like 15 minutes) and finally fell asleep. She slept straight through until a little after 8am.
I feel so bad for this little girl. She likely has never spent the night away from her mom and isn't old enough to understand in the slightest. We're hoping we'll be able to visit her mom in the hospital soon, and then there will be frequent visits home during the rest of the time, but I suspect that each night will re-open this new wound and she'll have to go to sleep without the one kiss and hug she really wants.
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