Summer's here.

I don't have anything to say about summer, really, just that it's going to get up to 97 degrees here today - ouch. We'll be hiding out in the baby room with the a/c on, thankyouverymuch.

A couple of weeks ago, we took Niblet overnight at our house and it went really well. Actually, Squeak was the biggest problem that night - he was up for a couple hours for no particular reason. Niblet went to sleep in the crib pretty easily, then woke up once and fostermama sat with her until she fell fast asleep again. Then later on, I she woke up and I just brought her into our bed (since fostermama was on the couch with the not-sleeping Squeak) and she slept like a rock for the rest of the night. I don't mind snuggling with her, and I'm sure that sleeping with me one night every few weeks is not going to mess up her sleeping at home, so it's all good. Her mom tells us that she still wakes up in the night crying and nothing calms her down. She has always done that. She's not the kind of baby who wakes up in the morning and happily babbles to herself until someone comes to get her. Nope. She's always been a full-force crier. Unfortunately, it pushes her mom's buttons. So that's why she's very happy for us to take her overnight sometimes. As she put it, "I need a break!"

Her mom has started talking/venting to us more. I'm glad. It means she's comfortable with us and knows we're not going to give her advice she's not asking for, or look down on her, or whatever. She even said to fostermama, on the phone the other day, that she tried talking nice to Niblet when she was crying non-stop, but that didn't work. If she yells at her a couple of times, she stops, so that's what she does. I totally understand needing the crying to stop.

Niblet's mom also asked us to take her WIC farmer's market coupons and get some fruit for Niblet. She said she doesn't really give her fruit, so she doesn't know what she likes. We got those coupons last year and we go to the market every week anyway, so we're happy to do that. Last year Niblet was a plum FIEND. She would eat 2 or 3 of them just on the walk home.
We're thinking that, this year, peaches will probably be good because she can probably bite through the skin herself. Plums are a little harder, but I'm guessing anything will be fair game once it's cut away from the pit and in a few pieces. She really loves fruit.

One time, we were in the local supermarket for...something...we usually shop at the food coop, so I don't remember why we were in the supermarket...anyway, Niblet was in the stroller and we passed through the produce section. She spotted the apples and flipped out! She didn't calm down until we took a bag of them off the display, opened it up and handed her one. She was the happiest baby in the world.

I can't wait until she has more words. Once she's more verbal, she's going to be sooo much happier. She can say a few things and she has a few signs, but she still gets really frustrated because there are so many things she understands, so many things she wants to say, and she has no way to get any of it across except by yelling/crying/pointing. Hopefully the words will come to her soon.

Last weekend we went to pick up Niblet, and she wasnt there because she had spent the night with her aunt and wasn't back yet. It wasn't a big deal, because fostermama has been sick and we even thought about cancelling the visit because we're pretty overwhelmed right now. Anyway, when we got there and Niblet's dad was really sorry we had wasted our time. His phone is broken, so he couldn't call us. He told us that they're moving this week. It's unclear if *they* are moving, or if just *he* is moving. He said he'll have to put stuff in storage and stay in a hotel until the county finds them/him another place. It's very confusing, because he hasn't been there a year yet. So maybe he and the mom are splitting up and he's moving out? Well, hopefully we'll find out more soon. fostermama's going to pick up the farmer's market coupons this afternoon, hopefully, so maybe she can find out more.

We already realize that, if they're all moving, we may very well lose contact with them for a few weeks or more. We're going to give them all our phone numbers, again, so maybe they won't lose it. And if we don't hear from them, we'll send a letter to their address and hope it's forwarded. But, really, it's a small town, and if they don't contact us, we can find them. I'm just glad we have some warning.

Being Niblet's godparents is an adventure, that's for sure!

Baby!

No, not for us. One is plenty for now, thankyouverymuch.

But please click on over here and take a peek at baby Seli, the newest addition to Peter's Cross Station.

Sounds like it was a whirlwind match. I'm partial to those, now, seeing as that's how we got Squeak.

I'm so happy for all of them and look forward to stories of Nat-as-Sibling.

"Want" is a strong word.

This weekend I learned something.
I don't want Niblet to come live with us.

Here's what happened.
We went camping this past weekend with a bunch of friends. We asked to take Niblet with us, and her parents were pretty psyched to get a weekend's break. We picked her up on Friday afternoon and drove out there (1 hour away) that evening.

We were going to keep her until Monday afternoon.
Instead, we brought her back Saturday night.

Niblet *loved* the camping. She loved having all our friends around (all of whom she knows very well). She loved running free. She fell asleep really easily in the tent with all 4 of us snuggling together.
She didn't, however, stay asleep. She woke up 5 or 6 times, crying at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't calm down for anything. Each time she eventually just stopped and fell back asleep. One time she had made a huge poop that leaked, and then after she was changed she stayed up for almost 2 hours.

The next day we were all exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap with her mid-day, but it was so hot in the tent I thought we'd both get heat stroke!

It's possible that the subsequent nights she would have been more used to the tent and to being with us, but we just couldn't take the risk.
The main problem was that we weren't taking proper care of Squeak because we were both pretty focused on Niblet.
Squeak has a skin problem that needs lotion put on it multiple times a day to keep it at bay. Friday we did it once when we should have done it 3-4 times. Overnight, I didn't change his diaper because I was afraid of waking Niblet - and then he woke up with a diaper rash. It's a bunch of little things, but they added up to the fact that we weren't able to properly be there for him and her at the same time.

Yes, we were both recovering from colds and certainly camping with 2 babies is hard, but really it was easier than if we'd been at home. We had friends around who were very helpful with both kids, and Niblet certainly wasn't bored for a minute.

We realized early on Saturday that, if we wanted to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend and come out of it relaxed, we had to bring Niblet home.

So we called her parents, told a little lie about why we needed to bring her back, and I drove her home. Why did we lie? Because it was easier. If we had better communication with her parents, we'd have admitted to getting in over our heads, but we don't.

I feel guilty. Guilty that we lied. Guilty that we offered her parents a weekend's respite and then rescinded. And guilty that I can't picture a way that we could possibly parent Niblet and Squeak without losing our minds and doing a crap-ass job.

What I want is to parent Squeak to the best of my ability. What I want is to spend my vacations with fostermama and Squeak - my complete family.

I do *wish* that things were different. That I was a parent more capable to take on a toddler and an infant. When they're both older, taking her for longer periods of time will be more possible. But she's where she belongs. Squeak is ours and Niblet is theirs and that's the way it's supposed to be.

Would we still take her if she needed us? Of course. I'm just not hoping for it anymore. And that's a good place to be in.

Fight the Power

[Button removed on 9/12/07...thanks everyone for your help and support!]

In response to my previous rant, Beth asked if there was a way that people who wanted to could throw a few bucks our way to help pay our lawyer.
So I figured out how to make a PayPal button and put it up on the sidebar.

I feel weird doing it, but I know that people aren't going to help us out for any other reason than that they want to. I mean, really, since when did savvy interneters ever pay money just because a button told them to?

So, please, feel free to ignore it. I just wanted to let y'all know why it's there. And if you feel the urge to click, thank you so very much. Really.

In the criminal justice system...

...foster care-based offenses aren't really considered especially heinous.
(Can you tell what TV show we watch all the time?)

We got the results of the investigation against us in the mail the other day. It was worse than we thought. They've been lying to us for over a month (act shocked, I dare you!)
They told us, over the phone, that we were found "indicated" due to "lack of supervision". Basically that we should have been hovering over Joy's crib all night long so she didn't hurt herself. Instead, they found us indicated due to that and ALSO indicated due to "bruising".

They think we hurt her on purpose. Or, at least, they think it's a possibility. So they're covering their bases.

Either we hit her OR she hurt herself while we weren't watching. They can't have it both ways. It's f'ed up. Also, I really think that, if they think we hit the kid, that it should be a criminal matter. If I hit an adult, I'd be arrested for assault. But hit a foster kid? Eh, just put 'em on a list. Doubly f'ed up, says me.

Anyhow, this new information makes it a much more serious case and much harder to prove our innocence. At least according to our lawyer.

Yep, we have to hire a lawyer. We met with him yesterday for 2 hours. Fortunately, he's a fellow foster parent. Unfortunately, his firm won't take us on pro-bono (because it's not a criminal case - see above). He's going to do this as cheaply as possible, but we have to give him $1000 retainer. ONE THOUSAND F*CKING DOLLARS. To clear our names. To fix what the bitch evil case worker has done.
Can we afford it? Nope. fostermama and I both work part-time, by choice, so we don't have to put Squeak in daycare. We're frugal and budget well. We have savings. We have no consumer debt. But we just paid for an adoption. and, face it, who has $1000 just sitting around collecting dust?

I just find it so unfair. We make around $40,000/year between the 2 of us. If this were a criminal matter, we'd each be eligible for a court-appointed lawyer. But since this is extra-judicial, then we have to pay.

So this Friend-The-Lawyer (FTL) says the next step is the administrative review. We're allowed to submit a letter and whatever supporting material we have. FTL is going to write the letter for us. He's also going to talk to our Placement Worker (who has worked with us since MAPP class) and write a letter for her to sign. He will probably take statements from Niblet's daycare worker and Niblet's OT, and write letters for them to sign, as well.
Our $1000 covers all this. If we're not cleared in this step, and we have to go on to an in-court hearing, then we'll have to sign a new contract and pay additional money.
Here's crossing our fingers that he writes good, convincing letters, cuz all this money's coming out of our small savings and we were planning on using that to, ya know, de-lead paint our porches and good stuff like that.

On the upside, a friend of ours made a very good point that might win our case for us. He said that the fact that, the same day that the daycare person mentioned the bruises to me, I not only went straight to a visit with Joy's mom, but then happily allowed her to go change Joy's diaper, means that I didn't have anything to hide. I could have easily said "oh, you're 9 months pregnant, let me change her for you!" and she never would have seen the bruises. But I didn't know they were there, and had no reason to keep her mom from changing her.
Really, why would we have pushed for visits and allowed the mom to see the bruises if we were beating Joy? We wouldn't have, is the answer. Case closed.

I hope.

Not to overwhelm you...

...but I'm overwhelmed, so you get to share.

Yesterday, as we were getting ready to bring Niblet home, we did our normal routine of changing her back into the clothes she came in. We always change her into "playclothes" that we keep in a drawer for her, because we like her to be able to get dirty and we don't want to worry about her dirtying the clothes her parents put on her. Plus, most of the clothes they have for her are still a bit too big (because she's a skinny, skinny kid) and they often fall down.

So anyway, we were at our friends' house, in their well-lit living room, and I stripped Niblet down and changed her diaper. When I did, I was confronted with a large, healing bruise on the side of her stomach. My heart dropped, but she's a toddler, and toddlers get hurt. As we well know. I pointed it out to fostermama, but there are a million explanations, so, yeah...

I had to keep looking, though. And I found more. On both of her upper arms, there were big bruises. Either from someone grabbing her too tightly, or from someone smacking her arm hard. We tried to document them, just in case more show up, but the only camera we had access to didn't end up working very well.

There's nothing we can do about it. Yes, they probably grab her too hard sometimes. She pushes their buttons, she's a handful. In the year we had her, I often felt the desire to toss her out the window. I didn't, but different people have different breaking points and different lines that they're willing to cross. Smacking a kid or grabbing their arm are things that some parents find acceptable. They're not a reason for a call to CPS.

The bruise on her belly, I have no idea how that got there. Hopefully it was self-inflicted. She's clumsy and falls all the time, so she could have fallen onto something.

Now we're in the weird position where we'll be looking at her for bruises every time we see her. We'll be taking pictures of whatever is there. And if something really crosses the line, we're going to have to mention it to her parents. Niblet spends time with a lot of different relatives, so it's possible that the bruises aren't from her parents. Anyway, we're not going to go behind their back and call CPS on them, because then they'll never trust us. We would probably never see her again.

When we still had Niblet living with us, fostermama and I used to dream up elaborate ways to "kidnap" Niblet and start our lives over elsewhere. Last night, as I was falling asleep with my son safe and secure in my arms, my mind was whirring again. It's not going to happen, but it's much easier to think about ways to take Niblet from them, than to think about watching her grow up being yelled at and hurt.

To top it off, if she did end up getting pulled from their home, currently we couldn't take her in. Because of the Joy Fiasco, we're not currently allowed to foster.

Any suggestions?

We're pretty sure Niblet needs some physical therapy, and maybe speech therapy, and we have no idea what to do about it.

We don't know exactly what she "should" be doing, but her legs are very tense (she still has the high tone from being a drug addicted preemie), and she walks very stiltedly. She can't run, really. I could imagine maybe just suggesting to her parents that they get an Early Intervention evaluation, but I'm not sure how I would explain *why* I'm suggesting it. I suspect that, if we say that her walking isn't as good as it should be, they'll just say "she's fine!" Or that she should be saying more words than she is, they'll disagree with that, too.

I don't want to come off as telling them what to do. Or even as knowing more than them about kids in general, and their kid in particular.

I'm just worried about Niblet and don't want her to get worse because I'm too scared to say something.