As awesome and relieving as it is to be cleared, it feels somewhat hollow as well.
We still can not do foster care again, because we'd risk the same thing happening. I'm really sad about that!
And we know this is happening to lots of other foster parents in our area and around the country. Our placement worker (the one useful person at the county) said it's happening a lot right now. Craziness! As I said to her, this is one sure way to get rid of all good foster parents.
Someone posted on a listserv I'm on about how Alameda, CA has this approach to foster care that really prioritizes the kids' rights (silly things like permanency and safety), and I am so jealous! I wish I felt I had some power to create change here.
Plus, the huge (for us) amount of money we spent on this is a real sore spot. We really need that money, especially with all Squeak's medical issues.
The caseworker who screwed us is spending her days harrassing other bio parents and foster parents around the county, with her inept supervisor smiling and nodding and being clueless. I'm sure there are no repercussions for her for how she handled this. Nor any training on how to do it better in the future.
It's just SO upsetting.
I started out doing foster care after MAPP class feeling really good about the system here and thinking it worked as well as it could given the crazy situations it handles. Oy, was I wearing some rose colored glasses! If the caseworkers and their supervisors were to actually **receive MAPP training**, maybe things would be better. But they don't. They have no idea how it's even *supposed* to work, much less how to get it there.
UGH.
I wish I could be a foster parent. I wish I could recommend it to my friends and acquaintances who show interest. I wish my life hadn't had this cloud hanging over it for *half a year*, and I wish I hadn't spent money I don't have on getting cleared.
I really appreciate everyone's enthusiasm about us getting cleared. It's nice knowing we've got cheerleaders. :) I just can't quite get behind the "hooray"s. :(
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Unfounded!!!
We came home tonight to find 2 very thin envelopes from the state office of children & family services. I ripped one open immediately and scanned it to find the words "As a result of this review it is our decision to legally seal the report. Therefore, in accordance with the law, the report has been amended to show it is unfounded..."
WOOHOO!!!
We are NOT child abusers, and now the records show that!
It is such a f'ing relief. I don't honestly know how much of my psyche has been muddled up with this over the past 6-7 months. I suspect I will, eventually, feel so much more relaxed.
So much of our future plans rided on whether we were cleared or not, and now we are free to do whatever we want.
I can't believe that we had to go through this, but at least it's over and it won't rear it's ugly head ever again.
WOOHOO!!!
We are NOT child abusers, and now the records show that!
It is such a f'ing relief. I don't honestly know how much of my psyche has been muddled up with this over the past 6-7 months. I suspect I will, eventually, feel so much more relaxed.
So much of our future plans rided on whether we were cleared or not, and now we are free to do whatever we want.
I can't believe that we had to go through this, but at least it's over and it won't rear it's ugly head ever again.
Friday, August 31, 2007
SNAFU is just our status quo
What's been going on Chez Fostermoms, you ask? Everything and nothing.
First, the Niblet situation:
Niblet's not going anywhere any time soon. The last time we picked her up, fostermama asked Niblet's mom about the whole moving-out-of-state thing. Her mom said that her dad just got approved for Section 8 and there's a rule that you can't transfer your Section 8 out of state until you've been living in your current state for one year. So he can't move for one year. So we have Niblet for at least one more year. As we know, a lot can happen in a year, so whatever. We're just enjoying her in the moment. We've actually skipped a week here and there because there's been a lot of other stuff going on with us and it's pretty all-encompassing to have her around. We don't really get anything else done. Hopefully, though, we'll take her for an afternoon/evening over the long weekend.
Niblet herself is still CUTE. She's enormous, in my eyes. Still only about 26 pounds soaking wet, size 3 diapers fit her very well, but she's tall and mature-looking. She's slowing communicating more, but she still doesn't initiate words. She'll copy back words and she uses ASL signs with us that we've taught her, and she babbles and is a huge fan of NO!, but no real "talking" as I would define it. She's behind in that regard, but I suspect she'll eventually catch up. And she UNDERSTANDS everything, no doubt about that.
In SqueakLand: Squeak is now 7 months old, sitting like an uber-pro, and thinking about becoming mobile. He launches himself at the world and is really good and getting stuff that we think are out of his reach. Silly moms!
We found out recently that he has many food allergies, as well as allergies to our cats. This has created a lot of problems to be solved in our lives. Our cats are our "first children". We're "those crazy cat people", truly. We're devoted to our fuzzies. But between them and our kid, well, there's no contest. They're going to live with a family member, for which we're eternally grateful. The idea of having them go to a stranger and possibly never seeing them again was killing me.
Otherwise, we're learning to live with a baby who lives to put everything in his mouth and who needs, for the safety of his life, to be kept away from anything with food on it. (Okay, not all food, just anything that might have any possible traces of: milk, egg, peanut, other nuts, wheat and soy - see that's not everything, right?) It's complicated, especially since most of our friends have toddler (which, by definition, are constantly sticky with food).
Because we're breastfeeding him, we've cut all of these things out of our diet and are on a crazy elimination diet so we can test everything else slowly and make sure he doesn't react to anything else. You can only test for a few things in an infant blood test, because you can only take a small amount of blood. Next time we'll test for more, but for now we just have to test them the old-fashioned way - by mouth.
It's hard to even know how I feel about this, because it's just become a part of my life so quickly, so easily it seems. We carry around an Ep1-pen wherever we go with him. We wipe his hands (and anywhere else he can reach with his mouth) whenever we've been out in the world, just in case he got something on him. We're still in the hypervigilant phase. I know we'll always be like that, unless and until he grows out of the allergies, but I think it will eventually be subconscious instead of the first thing on my mind.
And, in case you thought it had just gone away of it's own accord, we're STILL waiting to hear the result of our adminstrative appeal for the stupid indicated abuse report. We sent in our lawyer-written letter about 45 days ago and they have 90 days to give the decision. We don't expect an answer until the 90th day.
That's how it is here. Any other questions?
First, the Niblet situation:
Niblet's not going anywhere any time soon. The last time we picked her up, fostermama asked Niblet's mom about the whole moving-out-of-state thing. Her mom said that her dad just got approved for Section 8 and there's a rule that you can't transfer your Section 8 out of state until you've been living in your current state for one year. So he can't move for one year. So we have Niblet for at least one more year. As we know, a lot can happen in a year, so whatever. We're just enjoying her in the moment. We've actually skipped a week here and there because there's been a lot of other stuff going on with us and it's pretty all-encompassing to have her around. We don't really get anything else done. Hopefully, though, we'll take her for an afternoon/evening over the long weekend.
Niblet herself is still CUTE. She's enormous, in my eyes. Still only about 26 pounds soaking wet, size 3 diapers fit her very well, but she's tall and mature-looking. She's slowing communicating more, but she still doesn't initiate words. She'll copy back words and she uses ASL signs with us that we've taught her, and she babbles and is a huge fan of NO!, but no real "talking" as I would define it. She's behind in that regard, but I suspect she'll eventually catch up. And she UNDERSTANDS everything, no doubt about that.
In SqueakLand: Squeak is now 7 months old, sitting like an uber-pro, and thinking about becoming mobile. He launches himself at the world and is really good and getting stuff that we think are out of his reach. Silly moms!
We found out recently that he has many food allergies, as well as allergies to our cats. This has created a lot of problems to be solved in our lives. Our cats are our "first children". We're "those crazy cat people", truly. We're devoted to our fuzzies. But between them and our kid, well, there's no contest. They're going to live with a family member, for which we're eternally grateful. The idea of having them go to a stranger and possibly never seeing them again was killing me.
Otherwise, we're learning to live with a baby who lives to put everything in his mouth and who needs, for the safety of his life, to be kept away from anything with food on it. (Okay, not all food, just anything that might have any possible traces of: milk, egg, peanut, other nuts, wheat and soy - see that's not everything, right?) It's complicated, especially since most of our friends have toddler (which, by definition, are constantly sticky with food).
Because we're breastfeeding him, we've cut all of these things out of our diet and are on a crazy elimination diet so we can test everything else slowly and make sure he doesn't react to anything else. You can only test for a few things in an infant blood test, because you can only take a small amount of blood. Next time we'll test for more, but for now we just have to test them the old-fashioned way - by mouth.
It's hard to even know how I feel about this, because it's just become a part of my life so quickly, so easily it seems. We carry around an Ep1-pen wherever we go with him. We wipe his hands (and anywhere else he can reach with his mouth) whenever we've been out in the world, just in case he got something on him. We're still in the hypervigilant phase. I know we'll always be like that, unless and until he grows out of the allergies, but I think it will eventually be subconscious instead of the first thing on my mind.
And, in case you thought it had just gone away of it's own accord, we're STILL waiting to hear the result of our adminstrative appeal for the stupid indicated abuse report. We sent in our lawyer-written letter about 45 days ago and they have 90 days to give the decision. We don't expect an answer until the 90th day.
That's how it is here. Any other questions?
Monday, August 06, 2007
Goals
Inspired by the other fostermama. For context, check out this post..
What a good question. I was about to start listing, and I realized I didn't know what to list. I am an obsessive plan-ahead-er, but the chaos of our lives for the past few years has muted that a bit. At the moment our big plan is to get FosterMommy through grad school to be an OT starting fall of 2008. Assuming we're not determined to be child abusers :P There are other plan-type things along those lines (adopt another child, beginnings of plans for me to be a lactation consultant for adoptive moms...).
But that's not really the kind of goal setting your post makes me think of.
I personally detest self-help books. I have only recently conceded that they sometimes have something useful to add, but then only because FosterMommy reads them and shares some of their better ideas. I guess I have rejected this type of goal-setting, but I really like this exercise you set us. Here are my results so far:
For each of us to be in a career & job that is fulfilling and enjoyable.
To have a strong family unit, full of mutual support and warmth and good communication.
To feel energetic more often than exhausted.
To actively think about what I want to teach my kids and how I want to be with them as they grow up, and then do it.
To remain healthy into old age.
To live in community (this one I feel like we're already doing, but I want it to continue to be true).
I think that's a long enough list for now. I will have to set myself to thinking more about each of these, and to thinking about the question of Goals more often.
What a good question. I was about to start listing, and I realized I didn't know what to list. I am an obsessive plan-ahead-er, but the chaos of our lives for the past few years has muted that a bit. At the moment our big plan is to get FosterMommy through grad school to be an OT starting fall of 2008. Assuming we're not determined to be child abusers :P There are other plan-type things along those lines (adopt another child, beginnings of plans for me to be a lactation consultant for adoptive moms...).
But that's not really the kind of goal setting your post makes me think of.
I personally detest self-help books. I have only recently conceded that they sometimes have something useful to add, but then only because FosterMommy reads them and shares some of their better ideas. I guess I have rejected this type of goal-setting, but I really like this exercise you set us. Here are my results so far:
For each of us to be in a career & job that is fulfilling and enjoyable.
To have a strong family unit, full of mutual support and warmth and good communication.
To feel energetic more often than exhausted.
To actively think about what I want to teach my kids and how I want to be with them as they grow up, and then do it.
To remain healthy into old age.
To live in community (this one I feel like we're already doing, but I want it to continue to be true).
I think that's a long enough list for now. I will have to set myself to thinking more about each of these, and to thinking about the question of Goals more often.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Good news at the County
The head of the adoption and homefinding unit in our county retired recently. She was not all bad, but she had serious interpersonal challenges. You could learn how to work her and get out from under her shoe, but she also scared off a lot of people and treated us like crap way too often. She had a hard job, granted, but she didn't have to be so hard on "her" foster parents. She also had no concept that it was more important to retain good foster parents than to recruit new ones. She had an obsession with numbers of new recruits, but didn't do a good job supporting those of us already doing it.
Anyway, her senior underling is amazing and awesome. And she just sent out a letter announcing that she got the promotion! She is now head of the unit! So exciting. I really hope she can do a good job and make some good changes in the dept. She doesn't have enough support from above or laterally (bad supervisors in other units, and clueless and politically motivated supervisors above her) but she is an amazing woman and she manages to be sane and insane in a good balance and to always be warm and supportive. I hope she manages to find good staff for under her, too (there's so much turnover, and often long vacancies). This job is a set-up for failure, but I think this woman can do it as well as anyone. And she's not going to give up. I'm just excited to have someone who is genuinely supportive of foster parents in this position. And who really seems to get it about what our lives and responsibilities and challenges are like. Yay.
Our appeal on the Joy situation is going out in the mail today. If we get cleared (please!?!?!?!) then I could see us doing this crazy thing again some day. Especially with this newest development.
Here's hoping this County can turn around and become a much better place to foster. I know she can't do it alone, but she can be a big part of good change.
Anyway, her senior underling is amazing and awesome. And she just sent out a letter announcing that she got the promotion! She is now head of the unit! So exciting. I really hope she can do a good job and make some good changes in the dept. She doesn't have enough support from above or laterally (bad supervisors in other units, and clueless and politically motivated supervisors above her) but she is an amazing woman and she manages to be sane and insane in a good balance and to always be warm and supportive. I hope she manages to find good staff for under her, too (there's so much turnover, and often long vacancies). This job is a set-up for failure, but I think this woman can do it as well as anyone. And she's not going to give up. I'm just excited to have someone who is genuinely supportive of foster parents in this position. And who really seems to get it about what our lives and responsibilities and challenges are like. Yay.
Our appeal on the Joy situation is going out in the mail today. If we get cleared (please!?!?!?!) then I could see us doing this crazy thing again some day. Especially with this newest development.
Here's hoping this County can turn around and become a much better place to foster. I know she can't do it alone, but she can be a big part of good change.
Pray to 'em if you've got 'em
Today we're mailing off our letter to the office investigating the Joy Fiasco. This is for the "administrative review" portion of the journey. If you'll recall, they already found us "indicated" and decided that we either beat her, causing her bruises, or ignored her while she did them herself. Neither of which is true, obviously, but certainly both can't be. Anyway...
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
So this lawyer we hired (a fellow foster parent, actually) wrote this 9 page letter that is VERY VERY good. We ended up paying him more than we expected (isn't that always the way), but really, it may have been worth it. There is no way that we could have written this letter. And he also wrote a letter for our placement coordinator to sign. That one is really good, too.
Now we just have to wait for them to read it, review the case, and decide to uphold or reject the "indicated" finding.
If this letter doesn't convince them that we are FAR from the child abusers they label us as, I don't know what to do.
So, yeah, light a candle to the Blue Fairy, or whatever it is that you prefer. We need all the good thoughts we can get behind this letter.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Niblet moving away??
We have Niblet for the afternoon today. She is so super cute and very sweet, if a bit overtired and cranky cuz she didn't get much of a nap (our fault - sometimes it's really hard when we have both babies!). FosterMommy is out with her hanging out with friends right now, and I have Squeak home asleep, cuz he wouldn't nap much at all during the day today and doesn't sleep well away from home currently, so we couldn't justify keeping him out past his bedtime.
When I went to pick up Niblet today, her dad told me in passing that he was thinking of moving down to North Carolina. He has a son who lives there and rents a whole house for $250/month, and I guess dad's had a bunch of housing difficulties (they just had to leave their old apt and seem to have temporary housing at the moment). I asked if all 3 of them would be going, and he said no just him and Niblet. So he'd be taking her away from her mother. I have no idea what mom thinks of this, or if she realizes that she has a say (she never had her rights terminated, we don't think, so she could get joint custody if she has completed her drug treatment - we don't know if she has). I doubt she wants her baby taken away. I wonder if she even knows what he's thinking.
He's planning to go down there in a couple weeks to see if he likes it, and I think from what he said that if he does the move would be almost immediate.
We might lose our baby again.
I can't bear to think of it.
We have had such dreams of her growing up with us in her life, of us getting to see her grow up and be a part of it... I want that so much! We really thought we were going to have it! We knew we had no control, but we had no reason to think he was going to up and move many states away all of a sudden while she's still young enough to forget us, either. She doesn't even say our names yet. Can't ask for us. Can't talk to us on the phone. If she goes, we're really losing her.
Our friend had a foster kid (and then her brother too) for 3 years, and then the girl went to her mom. Still, our friend was God-Mother and was still practically raising the girl. Much more than us with Niblet. Mom recently sent the girl to live with her father (the boy had been sent there months ago) in a far-away state. Our friend is going to be going there to visit soon (or maybe already has). But that girl is 5 or 6, so she can write letters and everything. And our friend doesn't have other kids so it's easier for her to travel.
I don't want to lose Niblet.
I pray that he decides to stay, and finds a good housing situation here.
The temptation is strong to ask if he has Section 8 or what and then figure out if we can manage to rent him our apartment. I don't really want them to live downstairs from us (the floors are thin), and I don't really want to have that kind of involvement with someone with whom I have a monetary relationship. Not to mention that we totally can't afford to take anything less in rent than we charge currently. And that we currently have tenants we really love. I just want her to stay so badly. I'd do anything.
When I went to pick up Niblet today, her dad told me in passing that he was thinking of moving down to North Carolina. He has a son who lives there and rents a whole house for $250/month, and I guess dad's had a bunch of housing difficulties (they just had to leave their old apt and seem to have temporary housing at the moment). I asked if all 3 of them would be going, and he said no just him and Niblet. So he'd be taking her away from her mother. I have no idea what mom thinks of this, or if she realizes that she has a say (she never had her rights terminated, we don't think, so she could get joint custody if she has completed her drug treatment - we don't know if she has). I doubt she wants her baby taken away. I wonder if she even knows what he's thinking.
He's planning to go down there in a couple weeks to see if he likes it, and I think from what he said that if he does the move would be almost immediate.
We might lose our baby again.
I can't bear to think of it.
We have had such dreams of her growing up with us in her life, of us getting to see her grow up and be a part of it... I want that so much! We really thought we were going to have it! We knew we had no control, but we had no reason to think he was going to up and move many states away all of a sudden while she's still young enough to forget us, either. She doesn't even say our names yet. Can't ask for us. Can't talk to us on the phone. If she goes, we're really losing her.
Our friend had a foster kid (and then her brother too) for 3 years, and then the girl went to her mom. Still, our friend was God-Mother and was still practically raising the girl. Much more than us with Niblet. Mom recently sent the girl to live with her father (the boy had been sent there months ago) in a far-away state. Our friend is going to be going there to visit soon (or maybe already has). But that girl is 5 or 6, so she can write letters and everything. And our friend doesn't have other kids so it's easier for her to travel.
I don't want to lose Niblet.
I pray that he decides to stay, and finds a good housing situation here.
The temptation is strong to ask if he has Section 8 or what and then figure out if we can manage to rent him our apartment. I don't really want them to live downstairs from us (the floors are thin), and I don't really want to have that kind of involvement with someone with whom I have a monetary relationship. Not to mention that we totally can't afford to take anything less in rent than we charge currently. And that we currently have tenants we really love. I just want her to stay so badly. I'd do anything.
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