Squeak: Sleep and diapers

In other news, the reason we've taken the coming week off is because we're TIRED. Squeak, as much as we love him, is a pain in the butt when it comes to sleeping. He's still nursing, and still waking up every 1-2 hours to nurse. All. Night. Long. And it takes him about 1 hour to fall asleep to begin with. We're not the let-them-cry-it-out kind of people, so that means one of us is in there with him while he unwinds from the day...for an hour. Naps usually take about 15-30 minutes, which isn't too bad, but could be better. He just doesn't fall back to sleep on his own. We've read the No Cry Sl33p Solution and are implimenting many of her suggestions, so it's gotten a teeny bit better, but we're still running on a full year of sleep deprivation. Which started shortly after the year of sleep dep we had with Ms. Niblet (who qualified for EI, initially, because of how poorly she slept).

And, as I'm sure you know, when you're tired, the rest of your life goes down the crapper. The house is a mess, we've both been messing up at work, we forget important things, etc. Chronic sleep dep is a torture technique for a reason, folks. It's driving me crazy, that's for sure.

This week is an attempt to catch up on those things - sleep and housework. Hopefully it will be worth it.

The one thing that makes me smile, besides Squeak himself, are my his diapers. We cloth diaper, and ever since I started researching them, it's become something of a hobby for me. I like to know what's out there, how to troubleshoot, etc. We initially got them for Niblet, which was great because we used a couple months of her diaper allotment for the investment and then ended up with free diapers! They were great for her, except for overnight, and they're great for Squeak. I ended up having to sell our original ones because Squeak was irritated by the polyester lining, and I replaced them with similar ones with cotton lining. And I spent the money getting kickass nighttime diapers for him, as well.

So, since the other day was a rare one where ALL the diapers were clean at once, I decided to take a picture. Here are my lovely pocket diapers, plus one of the night diapers and it's cover (top left). Not shown are a few night diapers and a bunch of prefolds.
You can also see Squeak's tub o' Vanicream off to the right there. We slather that on his body a few times a day to keep the eczema at bay.
And, to prove that we are, in fact, radical, commie dykes, here's a picture of our Red Diaper Baby.
I'll end with a question for all you fellow cloth users. What do you use at night? We've been using Very Baby Simply Nights with a Bummis Super Whisper Wrap cover. When that started leaking, we added a wool wrap over the whole thing. That's been working pretty well, but the diaper is still soaked in the morning. It would be nice to keep his butt a little dryer overnight. I've got a bamboo VBSN coming in the mail, so maybe that will help, but what do you all use?

Niblet: nothing new

We haven't seen Niblet in over a month.

It's the longest we've ever not seen her since she was placed with us over 2 years ago. We've been busy, out of town seeing family and friends, and her new family has also been busy. Yesterday they moved to a new apartment. I'm assuming it's bigger than their last, so that's a good thing. They had 3 rambunctious kids, and 2 adults, in a very small 2 bedroom apartment (they turned the livingroom into the grown-up bedroom.) When fostermama called to see about a visit, and heard they were moving, she asked if they wanted us to take Niblet off their hands during the move. But they already had plans for her, which makes sense, but still pointed out to me that they really don't need us in her life.

They are functional, good parents. They have family and friends and resources. They haven't told us not to call them, to the contrary, but they don't need us. Now it's all about our need to continue to see Niblet. And, I guess, Niblet's need for us not to disappear into the ether. At this point, though, it wouldn't harm her to never see us again. She has a good attachment to her new family and they treat her well.

Since the last time we saw her, she started Early Intervention services again. Four times per week, her aunt said. They're not fooling around. She's getting speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy. It makes me so sad to know that, at 18 months old, she was caught up and after a year with her "parents", she is so behind that she needs more services than she'd had before. This is not from being born with drugs in her system. This is from total neglect, pure and simple. I'm excited to see her again, though, because I bet she is talking more. There's nothing I want more than to hear what Niblet has to say for herself.

Her aunt told fostermama to call back during the week and we could make a plan to see Niblet. We've taken this coming week off from work, so hopefully there will be a time soon we can see her. She's a busy girl, what with all her appointments and naps and such!

Watch this spot!

I've been ruminating on a post. Nothing exciting, but it will have pictures! There really isn't much to say lately, especially on the Niblet/fostercare/etc. front, but I'll come up with something.

So, for those of you stalking Chez "FosterMoms", come back soon and this will replaced with a real post.

Why am I warning you? I have no idea. Must be the sleep deprivation of having a 13 month old who wakes up every hour (or so) all night long...

Better and worse

We finally got to go visit Niblet at her aunt and uncle's house. The visit, although great, has left me reeling and I'm having a really hard time pulling it all together again.

The worse:
We got the specifics of the injuries her "parents" inflicted upon her that day. She was severely beaten. She has a diaper-area injury that still hasn't healed because she's still in diapers. Her aunt changes her uber-frequently, but the cut still opens up regularly. Based on a description of the injuries, an online friend of ours said that Niblet's mother (the one we all assume did the harm) should be sent to prison as a sex abuser and made to register when she's released. I can't say I disagree.

We also found out what poor Niblet has been enduring over the past year. There have been other bruises that we never saw. Her aunt saw them, and on one occasional called CPS, but nothing was done. She was basically starved. She weighed 18 lbs when she was in the hospital. She's 2.5 years old. She weighed exactly the same - 18 lbs - when she left us at 1.5 years old. They apparently sold her WIC checks - for drugs for the mom (and probably the dad, who knows) - and most days she was given a cup-o-ramen and that was it. This is a girl who was eating us out of house and home at 18 months old. Her mom was taking the dad's monthly check (social security?) and using it for herself.
We couldn't have known this. Almost everytime we picked her up, they were in the process of feeding her. Either shoving mac & cheese in her mouth, or she was sitting in front of the TV with a frozen dinner, or something. They must have been doing that on purpose.

And all the guilt I've felt for not calling CPS for the various little things we've seen, well, there's no point in that. Get this...the aunt said she saw hand-marks on Niblet's face, and choke marks on her neck, and she hotlined it. Called CPS about it. And NOTHING HAPPENED. WTF!? We have a foster child with random bruises on the outside of her leg, and we get pulled into a months-long ordeal...they obviously slap and choke their child and they get to keep her long enough to beat the f*ckin' crap out of her?? CPS is totally at fault for this child's injuries.

A year ago, when she left us, she was a happy, healthy, normal little girl. Now she's still the strong, smart, happy girl she was, but she has scars. She has eating/hoarding issues. She is seriously delayed in speech. She's already slated to get PT, OT and speech therapy. They can't even do psychological counseling because she's pre-verbal and we don't live anywhere fancy enough to have good shrinks who work with pre-verbal abuse survivors. Who knows what kinds of issues she's likely to have in the future?

To top it off, she now has the same case worker she had when she was with us. The one that sent her back to her father. The one who, initially, told us that we would adopt her, that she was going to convince the father to surrender, that she was going to TPR the parents. Then when the county changed it's mind - she changed her tune and never gave us the time of day from there on in. Now she's giving the same song and dance to the aunt. Granted, they have a better case against the father this time, and she might feel responsible in some way and actually give this little girl safe permanence, but I'm not holding my breath. What I do know is this - if they make motions towards sending her back to her father or mother, you're going to see this story on the evening news. That's our only recourse - shaming the county into doing the right thing - and we're going to use it.

Now the Better:
Niblet is wonderful. She is flourishing in a loving family. She was all smiles and Niblet-ness during our visit. We hadn't seen her in a long time, and not since she was hospitalized, so it was probably a little confusing for her to see us out of context and everything, but she was so happy. She sat on fostermama's lap and hugged her for a good 10 minutes, but then started playing with Squeak and let us show her how to open the presents we'd brought for her. Then she was running around, being silly, and basically being our little Niblet. It was so good to see. Her cousins are 8 and 11 years old and obviously love her. And she them. She didn't act scared around them like she did around her parents. Her aunt told us about some of her issues and how she's made sure to teach her that she can always eat as much as she wants and there's always more. She brought her to the supermarket and showed her that that's where food comes from and that they will always buy more.

She's teaching her not to be afraid. Not to hide. And helping her find her words. She'll copy a word if she's told to: "Niblet, say whale,"..."whaaale". It's cute. But she doesn't talk on her own. We're pretty sure that it's because she was trained by her parents not to express herself at all. She wasn't allowed to cry, to laugh, to be loud. So why would she have learned to speak for herself? It would have just gotten her in more trouble.

We're so thankful that Niblet is with this loving family. We are crossing all our fingers and toes, and praying to any gods we can think of, that she gets to stay there forever.

Now for the feel-good, holiday-ish part of the post:
During our visit, Niblet's aunt complained that the agency that was going to provide some christmas gifts for Niblet sent over 3 small, lame toys for her, and gave Niblet's *parents* a bunch of stuff for their new apartment - plates, towels, etc. The aunt and uncle live in a nice, but poor, part of town and have their 2 boys to shop for, as well, so while they do have some clothes and a couple of toys for her, they were feeling bad about it.
We have some clothes in her size that we were going to offer them, so we did and the aunt said they'd love them and that "every little bit helps". So we mentioned this to some family and friends who have known and loved Niblet since she came to us, and they are pulling a few toys and books out of their attics, or sending us a little cash to shop for her with, and we'll bring it all over to Niblet in the near future. It's not quite a Christmas Miracle, but I'm happy to be able to show Niblet and her new family just how large and extended their "Village" really is.

Niblet is safe and with family

Yesterday at court, a couple of people surprised us by doing their jobs.

The private agency social worker who was responsible for Niblet's parents' counseling last year has shown up and gotten involved, and she ironed out the differences between Dad and Aunt (aka Godmother) so that Dad would support Niblet going to Aunt. So it was even more clear, and that's what happened.

Also, the County lawyer brought up a subpoena for Niblet's medical records from when she was hospitalized 2 weeks ago, and a restraining order against each of her parents. For her father, so that his visits will be supervised until after his abuse trial. For her mother, so that she cannot see her at all until she's appeared in court.

It was a relief and a disappointment to know that we wouldn't be trying to get Niblet placed with us. We had changed our minds 2 nights before (in the middle of the night) and decided we would take her even temporarily. But we didn't want to deal with that if it wasn't necessary, and it's better that it's not.

We're hoping that Aunt will let us see her, and that maybe eventually Dad will surrender his parental rights to Aunt. Or at least let Niblet stay there indefinitely. With kinship foster care, the parent doesn't actually have to lose their rights at any point, it can just go on forever. At least that's my understanding.

So yay for Niblet. At least as yay as anything is for a kid tied up in the foster system.
We do feel like she's lucky. She has us, she has this social worker who was her father's counselor who clearly cares even if she doesn't agree with us about everything, and she has this aunt and uncle who are willing to take her in who seem like really good people.

It's not over yet, because her father could get her back and neglect her some more, or her maternal grandmother could somehow prevail in court and get her moved to her maternal aunt's custody in a far-away city (her birth siblings live there, but this aunt has turned Niblet down before and has only met her a few brief times). Those don't seem like the most likely outcomes, though, which is nice.

We are anxious to give Niblet hugs of our own, but we are happy to know she is getting all hugged up by people she knows and loves.

Being a parent means feeling guilty

Nobody related to Niblet's case is doing their job properly (if at all). fostermama and I have been going above and beyond, because we love Niblet, and it's just not enough. We need the case worker and the legal guardian and the judge and the father's lawyer and the father's social worker to all do their jobs. Or at least ONE of them. And they're not. And, yet, I feel guilty. Yes, I know I shouldn't, but I do. So there's no point in trying to convince me out of it.

See, we've decided not to fight for Niblet to be placed with us for foster care. There was court today and nothing happened. The judge "decided" that she should remain in foster care, but didn't place her with the family members who want her, nor with us, nor make any decisions about her long-term plan. He basically just continued the case until next week. Lovely. So Niblet is still with the new foster parents. I'm sure she's happy there, because she's a happy, loving, friendly girl, but it's not like being with family or people you think of as family (like us). Eventually she's going to wonder what happened to everyone else.

What we're hoping for is that she get placed with her family members next week. We met them and they seem like sincere, good people. They want the best for Niblet and cried at the end of court when they realized they couldn't take her home today. We were going to call the caseworker's supervisor and whatnot and try and convince them to place her with us until she can go with her family, but then decided against it.

The thing is, this is driving us crazy. What happened to her, what's continuing to happen to her, the fact that the county will probably work for "reunification"...again...and that Niblet will probably languish in foster care for a long time again and then probably go back to her father. We just can't deal with that. Not with Squeak and ourselves to take care of. The stress of it the first time around was not-quite-bearable.

We're not totally giving up. We're going to call Niblet's father and talk to him. Ask him what he wants and, if it seems like he might be willing to surrender Niblet to us (he has some sort of beef with the other family members and has said he doesn't want them to have her), then we'll say whatever we have to (including some little white lies, if necessary) to make that easy for him. But he'll have to do it FAST, because we're just NOT doing temporary foster care anymore. If he wants to hurt Niblet by making her get attached to people over a long period of time and then ripping her away from them, again, I'm not going to be party to it. And we don't have any power to make sure it doesn't happen that way, no matter how much we wish we did.

Then, if her father doesn't want to surrender her, we're also going to talk to the legal guardian and make sure he understands why placing her with her family members is the right decision. We don't want her to stay with these unknown foster parents, really. The legal guardian is relatively useless, but apparently if we feed him information to help him look good, he might actually use it.

On the plus side, if her family members do get her (temporarily or permanently), they've already said we're very welcome to visit with her. So she won't lose us and we won't lose her. It really would be the best possible outcome for this little girl.

There's no end to the way the system can hurt a child

She's not with us. They sent her to another foster home.

And they won't tell us why.

They verified that we are NOT being investigated at all regarding the injuries, so that's a huge relief, but they won't tell us why they "changed their minds" and sent her to be with strangers when she should be with us.

We are hurting for her so much that I can't even begin to explain.

Our only consolation is that she is safe. That is huge. She hasn't been safe for a year, apparently, and now she is.

She just should be safe with us. And she's not.

If this doesn't get resolved by next week, we're going to the media. The system is so f*cked up, there needs to be huge changes. It's not just Niblet.

Stay tuned.